On the fourth before the fifth of the eleventh month, four stiffs ( Ron, Paul, Rick, and Tom) set forth to drink a fifth on the Firth of Forth, henceforth our tail. Arriving in Edinburgh the four stiffs encountered the fifth stiff (Dave) and became five stiffs in the tasting room of the Vaults in Leith. That is where our story changes. The five stiffs set forth to drink a fifth on the Firth of Forth on the fifth of the eleventh month. Aye! Three drams we had, 1) Auchentoshan 10 year old (sweet floral,) 2) Ben Nevis (floral,) and 3) Balmenach (nutty) on the second floor of the Vaults in the Springbank Room. Then 4) a dram of Tomatin (Spotted Dick) it's not what you think it is in the tasting room on the third floor of the Scotch Malt Whisky Society in the Vaults on the Firth of Forth before walking to Deacon Brodie's for a lager (Dr. Jekyll meet Mr. Hyde.) After walking the Royal Mile, a ghost tour, and dinner we finished the three fifths on the first bank of the Firth of Forth, i.e. the mouth of the estuary.
Arriving at the Edinburgh train station in the wee hours of the next morning I asked the barkeep for five drams of Famous Grouse and he said, "Im not allowed to sell multiples" thinking they were all for me, "but I can sell them one at a time!" So be it, 5) five singles of Famous Grouse (smooth) and a pint to go before leaving the Firth of Forth. Boarding the train one at a time we left for Aviemore where Roy Mathers met us at the train station and drove us to a crannog (lake) for a dram 6) of 33 year old Duncan and Taylor(caramel) before continuing on to Glenlivet for a dram 7) of 30 year old Glenlivet. By now we were pissed so we pissed in the burn under the grass covered brig at the base of Glenlivet. "You are a Randy bunch of lads" cried Roy.
Arriving at the Craigellachie Hoted we checked our bags and went to the Quaich (the famous bar with over seven hundred single malts) and we were given a dram 8) of Craigellachie house blend (smooth.) Blasphemy! A blend in a world famous single malt bar. Oh well it was complimentary. Back on track we ordered a dram 9) of Glenfarclas ten year old (sweet) before dinner at the Hotel and finished the night by finishing the Famous Grouse and grousing about music, politics, war, and life in general.
On the sixth of the eleventh month we had 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15, six drams of Aberlour at the Aberlour Distillery in Aberlour Banffshire quided by Dennis Hendry our guide. 10) Aberlour ten year old (sweet malt,) 11) Aberlour 12 year old (a bit of a bite,) 12) Single cask sherry (treacle toffee,) 13) Single cask oak (burnt wood,) 14) Aberlour 16 year old (resinous,) and 15) Aberlour A'Bunadh (faded creosote, ouch!) Admittedly we were drinking quite fast but you would too if you had what we had. "What did we have you might ask?" NO MONEY!
Since it was almost lunchtime, Roy drove us to a mothballed distillery named Imperial (it has a wee asbestos problem) for a dram 16) of 30 year old Imperial (honey crunch.) Followed by dram 17) a Macallan 38 year old (oaky sherry.) Then off to the Hunters (Jane and Alan) for a very expensive lunch at Archiestown Hotel in Archiestown by Aberlour Moray. It was pet friendly. No drams here, we are responsible men. We copped out by touring the Speyside Cooperage and after the tour turned down a Scotch Whisky Liquer (too low in alcohol content.) Dinner at the Craigellachie Hotel followed by music and a fifth of Aberlour 16 year old cask strength in the biggest room (Ron and Paul were trying to conceal their accommodations.) We kept looking in our pocket for a picture of our wives, finding none we kept drinking.
On the seventh of the eleventh month, Roy gave us a tour of the Macallan Distillery were we had a dram 18) of 39 year old Glenrothes (creme caramel) on the green bank of the river Spey near where Roy planted a commerative oak tree not far from where Roy's father was planted. Next, to our delight, Roy arranged a private distillery tour of the BenRiach Distillery led by Stewart Buchanan, Production Manager.
Keeping in the spirit of the seventh of the eleventh we had seven drams 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, from seven different barrels of cask strength whisky in the warehouse. Stewart was a master of the bung and he opened a quarter barrel, an oak bourbon hogshead (56 gallons,) a sherry hogshead, a forty gallon barrel, a Puncheon (110 gallons,) a port Butt and an oak Puncheon. All barrel sizes were familiar
to us having been educated at the Speyside Cooperage the previous day. The whiskies were between 13 and 30 years old and had flavors of chipple sauce, honey, charred wood, granny's underarm, chocolate, lip puckering wasabi, peanut brittle, plums, lemons, and pears. The oldest being thirty years was the favorite. I left a much younger expression in the form of a wee puddle of piddle on a cask in the corner of the warehouse. Oh my! Then on to the Hogarth Whisky Cottage by the BenRiach Distillery for a dram 26) BenRiach 10 year old (!a peaty Speyside!, dram 27,) a 16 year old BenRiach ( cherries and chocolat,) dram 28) a 21 year old BenRiach (grilled bananas.) After saying goodbye and a tipsy tipping of Stewart 40 pounds we were of to Huntly, Aberdeenshire to meet the one armed Ronnie Routledge at the single malt direct for a dram 29) of 33 year old Duncan and Taylor (licorice all sorts.) Having purchased several bottles of very old whisky perhaps we should call Ronnie the one armed bandit. He assured us he would mail our bottles back to the States.
Back at the Craigellachie Hotel, Roy dropped us off at the Fiddichshire Inn for a dram 30) of Mortloch (creamy fudge,) and a dram 31) of Ben Rinnes (vanilla custard.) Joe the 79 year old proprietor a former Gillie who just lost his 89 year old wife and owner of the bar said in regards to the Ben Rinnes, "If I knew my mother's milk tasted this good I'd still be sucking on it!" We walked up a michel to the Craigellachie for a dram 32) of Ben Nevis (apple snow) before dinner and another evening of music and more cask strength Aberlour 16 year old (lemon and tea caddies.)
On the eighth of the eleventh month we bussed then trained grumpingly through the Grampians to Edinburgh and upon arriving at the Vaults had a dram 33) of Tullibardine (sugary birthday cake) and dram 34) Clynelish ( sweet, slightly burned melted toffee,) before walking the Royal Mile, touring the Edinburgh Castle and being made to feel obscure by the Obscura. We regained our fortitude with a dram 35) of Glenlossie (ginger and spice) before venturing out into the streets of Leith for dinner. A famous Grouse night cap helped calm us down so we could get a good night's sleep before awaking at 06:00 to start our journey home. A flight from the Firth of Forth. Just in the nick of our liver's time. What did we learn you might ask? " Money Michels make a Muckel but not a moron nor a Ben.". Slainte, Tommy Maaltman
Due to the volume of drams consumed I only describe the first taste of each dram in parenthesis with one or two descriptive words. For a more complete description of the nose, first taste, palate, and finish of each dram of whisky please refer to my soon to be published 1000 page book entitled, "How I Spent My Brother's Vacation.". Any errors real or perceived are the fault of the alcohol. Tommy
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