Tommy says, "high tech, schmigh tech," simplify your life.

As I was riding my fifteen year old rock solid steel frame Eros, Bianchi road bike (Bianchi, green.) I was passed by a whirlwind pack of road bikers with their high tech carbon composite frame machines, synthetic one piece suits, aerodynamic helmets, Polar heart monitors and Global Positioning Systems. Further down the road, I passed and elderly man walking in a yellow Polo shirt, Bermuda shorts, canvas sneakers, listening to a 1960's vintage hand held transistor radio via a single earphone with an old dental mirror duck taped to the side frame of his thick glasses so he could see who was rapidly approaching from behind. Oh yeah, he was also wearing the biggest s*** eating grin on his old weathered face! Who is enjoying life more? High tech, schmigh tech. Sometimes the simple things in life are the best. For example, a Scotch single malt whisky distilled the same way for over 1300 years. Tonight, after an high stressed, high anxiety, wired day, unwind with a dram of The Balvenie, 15 year old. Pale gold, with an oak nose, cedar orange and pineapple taste with a peppery finish. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy takes the family on a leisurely sunset cruise in the Big Lake on the "Maaltley Crew."

Another breathtakingly beautiful day, 80 degree water temperature, and clear blue skies. The family and I boarded the "Maaltley Crew" for an anticipated spectacular sunset. While I have absolute respect for Mother Nature and would never take a chance with the family by imbibing while in command of the "Maaltley Crew," I couldn't help but wonder , wouldn't it be heaven on earth off the shore of Grand Heaven to enjoy a Port Ellen single malt as the sun sets into the Great Lake? The Port Ellen I had in mind is one I purchased several years ago, the 1979, 22 year old Limited Edition Numbered Bottles, first release 2001, 56.2 vol., unfortuneately no longer available. The color is green, a grassy, grainy nose, nutty, malty first taste and peaty, salty finish. As Captain of the "Maaltley Crew," I had to make an executive decision before the sunset, "we are going back to port," I commanded. The moans of protest and disappointment heard as we hastily made our way back to the marina with the sun setting to our backs were quickly assuaged with a dram of the Port Ellen once on shore in the dark. We missed the sunset but gained a dram of the Port Ellen. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's consternation turns to joy.

As I reluctantly reached into the "Honey Do" jar (after all I am on vacation) my feelings of consternation quickly turned to joy as I unfolded the little piece of paper to reveal the following list.

1. Renew membership to the Scotch Malt Whisky Society.

2. Sign up for the Scotch Malt Whisky Society President's Club enabling me to receive the Preisdent's Choice monthly and a 13th bonus bottle at Christmas.

3. Renew my subscription to the magazine, The Malt Advocate.

4. Renew my subscription to the magazine, Whisky.

5. Mow the grass.

Well, planning my day, I think I can accomplish four of the five chores. After all, I am on vacation.

Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy proposes "Two a Day" and introduces dram number/letter (10A and 10B) on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Often, I have heard professional athletes expound on the virtue and benefits of "Two a Day" as it relates to training sessions in preparation for a grueling season of competition. Why not apply this concept to the cocktail hour and the single malt whisky bucket list? Yes, two cocktail hours a day and two bucket list drams a day. Let's discuss a dram of Bruichladdich 10 year old Islay single malt whisky and a dram of Bunnahabhain 25 year old single malt whisky to complete the bucket list as 10A and 10B respectively. Let's start with the Bruichladdich, number/letter 10A on the single malt whisky bucket list. This Islay with a bright green appearance has a sea air flavor with salt, iodine, and seaweed notes. The grassy sweetness gently fades away into a subtle marine genre. I remember one Christmas day enjoying dram after dram as the kids viciously ripped into their presents. The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning reaching for a dram of Bunnahabhain 25 year old single malt Islay whisky, dram number/letter 10b, that I vaguely recalled my partner dropping off as a Christmas present. This bottle is accompanied by an Alder wood box lined with Hessian and closed with solid brass fittings. It is amber in color with a sherry nose. The first uncut taste is sweet, caramel, and oak. The finish is smokey nuts and malt with lingering oak spices as expected after 25 years soaking up the essence of an oak barrel. "Two a Day," two single malt whisky bucket list drams....double the pleasure. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy ponders the thought process behind the new Macallan's advertising campaign and discusses the Macallan 18 year old single malt. Dram 9.

Why is the Distillery, Macallan's new advertising campaign showing their beautiful elixirs in a whisky tumbler chocked full of ice cubes? Talk about slamming the door shut on the bouquet and flavor! OK maybe some whisky afficiandos enjoy an ice chilled dram once in a while, but seriously, as the temperature plunges so does the quality of the flavor, expoentially!!! I implore you to try a dram of Macallan 18 year old single malt whisky, dram number 9 on the single malt whisky bucket list...NEAT. This whisky is matured exclusively in selected sherry oak casks from Jerez, Spain. It has a rich dark brown sugar cane color that you would expect having been aged in a sherry cask but not the dark red mahogany of an old Ben Nevis. The uncut taste is dominated by dried fruits, spices, and a trace of chocolate with a background of northern spring feed mountain pure water. The finish is smooth and mellow and lends itself to total relaxation. So slam the door on your girlfriend, you wife, your kids, or your parents (saying goodbye to any possibility of an inheritance) but don't add ice to this dram slamming the door shut on this whisky. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's thoughts on federal excise tax, The Whiskey Rebellion of 1794 , and Bowmore 21 year old . Dram 8 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Let's talk about the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. The first test of our new nation's Federal Authority. When deeply in debt due to expenses incurred by capitalists over charging for shoddy war time supplies for the Revolutionary Army of the Colonies, the Feds came up with a novel idea. Let's tax the people where it hurts. We'll tax whiskey production! Thus a national policy was established. Recklessly run up debt, then tax the people to death. Well "the people" once again rebelled against this outrageous tax and humiliated the tax collectors with torture and by tar and feathering as they burned down their homesteads and offices like poor old John Neville and his slaves. Which brings me to the point of this piece, Bowmore 21 year old single malt whisky, dram number 8 on the single malt whisky bucket list. Unfortunately you can no longer purchase this whisky. It was given to me many years ago by a patient expressing his gratitude to me for saving his life. If you like the smell of pine oil, smoke and tar, you will love this whisky. Dark in appearance, this Islay ignites in your mouth delivering salt and more intense tar flavors. The finish makes your skin squirm with sweat and heat. The Whiskey Rebellion was squelched when Alexander Hamilton and George Washington assembled an army of over twelve thousand miltiamen and marched westward to establish a precedent. Tax, tax, tax, and then tax some more. But in this case the exquisite expression of a dram of Bowmore 21 year old single malt whisky overshadows the disgust you will feel when you pull out your billfold to pay for your whisky knowing full well that the good old United States government is pocketing a significant portion of the price. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

What do Fred MacMurray, Glenrothes Vintage 1987, and Tommy Maaltman have in common? Dram number 7 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Last night we watched the sun slip into the Great Lake resulting in a glorious sunset accompanied by the sound of the waves gently lapping up onto the sandy shore. Or was that sound the sound of my three sons enjoying drams of Glenrothes Vintage 1987 , dram number 7 on the single malt whiskey bucket list. Sometimes I feel like Fred MacMurray who played Steven Douglas, the widower father of the TV show "My Three Sons" (1960-1972) as I try to teach my boys about the finer things in life. But they didn't need any help or guidance when it comes to swilling the old man's single malt! The Glenrothes Vintage 1987, still available, holds a special place in my heart since one of my boys was born that year and on his 21st birthday I presented him with a bottle lovingly cradled in a wood box. Glenrothes Vintages 1984 and 1989 have a similar special meaning for me but are no longer available making me happy I did the same for my other two sons. The rich golden brown color makes this a very attractive malt visually to enjoy in the summer by the lake as the sun is setting. The taste is of sweet vanilla, lemon and ginger. The finish provides enough smoke and peat making a campfire unnecessary. In Michael Jackson's (the whisky epicurean not the pop culture icon) words, "The flavor metaphors evoke childhood, but this is a very adult sophisticated malt." Rest both of their soles. Michael Jackson the pop culture icon died trying to get a good night's sleep. Michael Jackson the whisky epicurean died battling the ravages of Parkinson's Disease. The sunset was heaven on earth, the whisky was heaven in a glass. The Jacksons are hopefully in the real heaven. I'll have just one more please. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy agrees with advice from the dean of an institution of higher learning, almost. Dram number 6 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Dean Vernon Wormer summarizes Flounder's academic achievements in the great movie, Animal House, by saying, "Dorfman, fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son." But if you had to choose one, why not be drunk enjoying a dram or three of Highland Park 30 year old single malt whisky, dram number 6 on the single malt whisky bucket list. Distilled on the Island of Orkney in the North Sea where workers watched the German Nazi Navy scuttle their fleet towards the end of World War II against a brilliant sunset, this whisky is a beautiful reddish gold. The bouquet expresses thirty years of oak maturation with choclatey fudge. Uncut, there is nuttiness, toffee, and honey. The finish is sweet, unusual for an old whisky lingering idlely for thirty years in an oak barrel. While I encourage responsible drinking, and deplore drunkenness and debauchery, it will be hard to turn down another dram of this whisky if offered. Unfortunately, it may be difficuly acquiring this whisky as well as costly so be persistent. It's not over until the fat lady sings and remember nothing is over until we decide it's over. Don't forget Bluto's inspiring speech in the same classic movie when he said, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy pours from the butt. Dram number five from the single malt whisky bucket list.

I'm not sure what is enlarging the fastest, my liver, my bulbous nose , my expanding waist or the bouquet of a freshly poured dram of Aberlour18 year old cask strength single malt whisky, dram number 5 of the single malt whisky bucket list. Like all Aberlour whiskies, this one is double matured in an ex- sherry butt and an ex- bourbon oak cask making for a very complex nose of floral, fruit and sweets. I had the privilege of bottling my own while visiting the Aberlour Distillery located at the junction of the River Lour and River Spey in the Speyside region of the Highlands in Scotland during a recent visit in 2009. This cask strength whisky is both fruity and sweet like toffee and butterscotch candy. Towards the finish the oak wood emerges along with flavors of honey, peaches, apricot and oranges. A butt and a cask make for an interesting combination but don't try this one alone at home. It should be shared with someone special. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

The Three Stooges, Wimpee from the cartoon, Popeye, and dram number four on the single malt bucket list.

Remember when you were a kid after school watching the Popeye cartoon which aired immediately after thirty prime minutes of the Three Stooges (Larry, Curly, and Moe) when Wimpee would walk in and say, " I'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today." Well in a similar vein (probably a bulbous nose vein,) I'd gladly give my esophagus tomorrow for just one more dram of the Laphroaig Quarter Cask single malt whisky today, dram number four on the sinlge malt whisky bucket list. Yes my "Bro Ronny," this one's gonna hurt the old esophagus as it seers and burns it's way done this magnificent muscular tube before it plunges into the stomach exploding in all it's glory like the grand finale of a fireworks display on the Fourth of July. What's not to like about the strong phenol (peat reek,) formaldehyde, iodine and medicinal notes in the uncut first taste. It reminds me of being in the morgue of a hospital in the early fifties. With water, there is more peat and smoke emitted. Can't hide this one from the wife. Mine knows better now, but before when I would sneak a nip she thought I had just come in from burning leaves. As you enjoy a dram you begin to wonder, "Am I having a heart attack or is it just gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD?) Well pop a Nexium and relax and enjoy another dram, it's just GERD! Don't be a stooge and get out and try this dram soon. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Bobby D, Francis Ford Coppola, Colonel Kilgore and Tommy share a dram and some memories.

Do you remember Robert Duvall's stellar performance as Colonel Kilgore in Francis Ford Coppola's Classic movie, Apacolypse Now when he jumped out of an assault helicopter into a firey, smoke filled battle field and asked a medical corpsman attending to a dying grunt, "You smell that? Napalm son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. That gasoline smell. It smells like........VICTORY.". Well if you enjoy an explosive nose, you will love the Lagavulin 16 year old single malt, dram number 3 on the single malt whisky bucket list. It is the color of gasoline and just the appearance brings back fond memories of as a kid plastering your face up to the fuel nozzle as Dad pumps regular gasoline into the family Studebaker. Gunpowder, peat, smoke, and petroleum dominate this whisky uncut. With a splash of water the finish is on fire with a hot scorched earth effect. As Bobby D tears up when he said, "Son, someday this war is going to end!". Sadly, one day this bottle is going to be empty. But don't worry, like war, there will be plenty more in the future. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Dram number two on the single malt whisky bucket list.

I think it's safe to say, "They stopped the oil leak!!!". I'm returning to my favorite region of Scotland for an American dram ( five fingers) of the Mel Gibson of the Islays, an Ardbeg seven year old cask strength single malt, dram number two on the single malt bucket list. This whisky is wild, bombastic, caustic, unpredictable, and totally out of control with a strong smoked bologna casings taste and an oily, creosote finish. Like Mel, who is anti semetic, anti black, and anti wet back and who relates only to other white men who are infatuated with women with giant fake boobs and silicon injected lips, this dram is an equal opportunity offender of all senses and packs a powerful, "knock out your two front teeth," punch! Finally, when drinking Islays remember like Mel's philosophy when selecting a trophy girlfriend, younger is better. Now on a personal note, back in the Islays with the oil well capped, I can concentrate on the immigration problem. Let's keep the illegals out. But if one or two happen to slip through, let me know. I could use a lawn boy at home and a cabana boy at the lake house . Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Reflects on the Past Week

As I sat down to relax after a long day of robotic surgery, I turned on my iPod and Bose only to hear Willie Nelson singing Whiskey River which reminded me of our magical time on the Spey River in the Highlands of Northern Scotland. Naturally I poured a Macallan which sits on the bank of the Spey across from Craigellichie and thoroughly enjoyed this thirty year old single malt. As I was transforming into total tranquility I altruistically thought to myself, "everybody should be able to enjoy this experience before they die." But if everybody did, there would be less for me so I decided to write about the ten drams to enjoy before you croak, i.e., the single malt whisky bucket list. In so doing, people can read about my experience instead of consuming the product thereby leaving more for people like you and me!

Dram number one, in no special order,The Macallan Thirty year old single malt. This costs over a thousand dollars per 750 mls. Don't worry, most of the others are cheaper! Thirty years in an oak barrel leaves this whisky with a serious woody. I mean seriously woody. There is a predominance of fruit and floral tastes with caramel, nuts and sweetness. Resinous and sulfurous undertones add respectfully to the background experience. A very fine whisky. Wish you were here.

Sláinte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy sees the light.

Last night, as the sun slipped into the water, sans the green flash, Jill and I noticed the faintest of a faint light down by the water's edge slowly and meticulously making it's way to our cottage steps. What was it? A wayward firefly? Perhaps a mirage? Something extraterrestrial? At first we thought we were seeing things, but as the light was almost upon us we could make out the forms of four people slowly progressing towards our cottage in the pitch dark illuminated by what appeared to be a small birthday cake candle. Low and behold, it was the very frugal Jimmy Lang and his family. Jimmy, an old friend and medical school classmate of mine, recently pulled a fast one on his aging and infirm parents and acquired the family cottage in Grand Haven, for a song. We decide to celebrate with a "Tour of Scotland," starting with a ten year old Glenkinchie, smooth, mellow, a sweet nectar even a baby would love. Next a ten year old Glen Morangie, sweet, fruity, with a taste of pink cotton candy. The nose was like grandma's purse on Sunday morning as she doled out penny candy to the children feigning interest in seeing grandma but really only greedily interested in getting as much candy as as they could get their grubby little hands on. Staying in the Highlands we had the Macallan twelve year old exclusively matured in select sherry oak casks from Jerez, Spain. What a magnificent color! By no means the mahogany color of a Ben Nevis, but spectacular in its own right. Rich and complex fruit, floral, sugary candy and black licorice. OK, enough of the girly drams. Jim and I were ready to move to the Islays. A fifteen year old Laphroaig with all it's powerful phenol and formaldehyde brought us back to our senses and reminded us of our days dissecting our cadaver as first year medical students. Were the tears in our eyes due to reminiscing or the caustic fumes billowing out of the Glen Cairne whisky glasses? Finally we had an eighteen year old Coal Ila with all it's peatiness. Speaking of peat, Jimmy's son Pete introduced us to his girlfriend . We all sighed a sigh of relief. He's not gay! In the wee morning hours the Langs left to go back to their cottage that I have appropriately named "The Windsong," (It sounds better than "The Land Grab" or "The Blitzkrieg,") illuminated by a fifteen million candle power rescue beacon I keep handy by the bedside. I finished the evening with a long swim into very deep water straight out into the lake in 82 degree water temperature illuminated only by the stars. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy sees the Green Flash.

Have you ever seen the Green Flash? I was asked the same question by my neighbor a retired physician and experienced ocean mariner as we were sitting on his deck sipping whisky and watching the sun set into Lake Michigan. I didn't know what he was talking about so he explained that under certain atmospheric conditions a green flash occurs for a brief moment just after the top of the sun slips beneath the water on the horizon. He had a feeling that the conditions where right. Sure enough, as the sky was turning a brilliant orange, perhaps showing support for the Dutch as they prepared for the finals of the World Cup, the sun sunk into the water and shortly thereafter we saw the green flash like a light bulb exploding inside a giant green Heineken bottle! It was spectacular but not as impressive as the 18 year old Glenlivet we were drinking. You probably recall the Glenlivet is only matured in oak barrels. The 18 year old is incredibly fruity with strong floral aromas. In addition, there is an abundance of caramel and nutty sweetness. A truly magnificent dram. I wouldn't go looking for one off the left coast of California. I've been told they don't occur in Cummunist states. But you might see a pink-o flash!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman