Tommy Maaltman's Lassiter meets up with the Sanchez Gang.

It was rumored that the Sanchez Gang, consisting of four brothers; Pedro, Jesus, Emelio, and Tejano from south of the Rio, was in the territory knocking off small frontier banks for gold, silver and Federal Bank Notes. But it was of no concern to Lassiter as he rode into the dirty, dusty, forgotten town of ......Forgotten. Dismounting Blaze, he wrapped the reigns around the hitching post and uncharacteristically walked right past the swinging doors of The Hole in the Wall Saloon, Molly's Eatery, and the flea infested boarding house known locally as The Forgotten Flea Bag. Having completed two jobs in Western Wyoming, Lassiter was heading towards the Union Federal Bank and Telegraph to make a deposit and wire some money back East to his daughter "Sis" as he promised his son Kid Colton. It was high noon and the bank was empty except for Mr Anson Mosley the teller and best wireless man in the West who could tap out in Morse code on the wireless the Gettysburg Address in seconds without making a single error with his steady hands. Lassiter said, "Howdy, I need to make a deposit and wire some money back East to my little girl, Minerva Lassiter, (named after his kid sister whom he hadn't seen since joining the Confederate Army fifteen years ago.) Lassiter stepped up to the bank teller's cage standing with his back to the door facing Mr. Mosley. Suddenly, Mr Mosley's hands started to shake violently as he tried to tap out the message on the wireless and Lassiter looked up into Mr. Mosley's eyes, one of which was holding a gold rimmed glass monocle. As Lassiter swiftly pivoted he drew his two 44 Magnum Smith and Wesson six shooters and rapidly unloaded them both into the four Mexican brothers who had quietly slipped into the bank behind him. As the thunderous repercussions of the guns died down and the smoke cleared away, Lassiter and Mr. Mosley surveyed the carnage. All but one of the Sanchez gang was dead and Pedro, the one still living was dying fast. Lassiter walked over to Pedro, the oldest brother and leader of the gang, and bent over his dying body. Pedro looked up and said, "Meester, how did you know it was us?" Lassiter said, "I saw your reflection in Mr. Mosley's monocle." With that Pedro took his last gurgling breath and died. Lassiter finished his business and invited Mr. Mosley to join him at The Hole in the Wall Saloon for a dram after he got off work. Later that evening as Lassiter and Mr. Mosley were enjoying Bunnahabhain vol. 55.6%, 112.2 proof cask strength whisky with a pale green lights appearance, solvent, acetone, gunsmoke and flesh wound nose, sweet, smoky, gunpowder taste and an in your face Islay finish, the Sherriff walked in and sat down next to Lassiter. He looked Lassiter in his steely gray, stone cold eyes of a lone gunman, killer for hire and said, "I want to thank you for what you done today and I'm here to give you the reward of $250.00 in gold nuggets." It seems that the Sanchez Gang was wanted "Dead or Alive" in this territory West of the Law. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman describes Louis XIII de Remy Martin Grande Champagne Cognac in one word.

Maaltmen. After a particularly grueling stretch of diligent tasting and critiquing numerous expressions of fine cask strength single malt Scotch whisky, I decided to take the weekend off and invited my business partner, Kenny S., over for a glass of Louis XIII de Remy Martin Grande Champagne Cognac. Now numerous connoisseurs, critics, pundits and epicureans have written volumes about the nose, taste and finish of this most prestigious Spirit on Earth, a product of four generations of Cellar Masters having crafted twelve hundred eaux-de-vie to establish this closely guarded secret since 1874. And you are welcome to read each and everyone, but at $2500.00 per exquisite crystal decanter or roughly $250.00 per Reidel Cognac snifter glass, I can describe this nectar from the Gods in one word, UNDERPRICED!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman on life's greatest fears.

Maaltmen, there are only two things in life that really scare me. No, it's not total nuclear holocaust or Carnies (you know, circus folk, nomads.). Granted total nuclear holocaust would be devastating to mankind and the world and Carnies do smell like cabbage and have small hands. But what really frightens the Maaltman is 1) the liquid-air surface interface that occurs in opened unfinished bottles of cask strength single malt Scotch whisky and 2) the effect of ultra violet light on bottled cask strength single malt Scotch whisky. It has long been my position that if you are going to open a bottle of cask strength single malt Scotch whisky like old Pulteney, vol. 62.7, proof 125.4 with a mid yellow gold appearance, sweet, seaweedy salty, bladderwack nose, sweet, floral, earthy and grassy taste, and dry coastal finish, (this distillery is the only one to be named after an actual person,) plan on enjoying it with enough people to finish the entire bottle. An unfinished bottle creates the Chernobly like environmental disaster of creating the dreaded liquid-air surface interface that in my opinion alters the chemical molecular environment of the high alcohol content of fine cask strength single malt whisky and drastically effects the quality and essence of the expression. Secondly, ultra violet light acts like a stealth bomber direct assault on cask strength single malt Scotch whisky. Without a single warning the entire contents are destroyed. This is why I emplore you to finish the opened bottle of cask strength single malt Scotch whisky and to store your unopened bottles inside a darken cabinet away from the harmful effects of ultra violet light. One last tip. Be sure to purchase quality spirits from an establishment that protects it's products with industrial strength window treatment to minimize and eliminate the potential damage from sunlight through the windows like The Bottle Wine and Spirits in Fayetteville, Arkansas. And while you are there, be sure to inquire about becoming a Friend of Paul. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's The Legend of Colton Lassiter

Not much is known about Colton Lassiter's early life but this much is known for sure. Colton was born in Richmond, Virginia to Bose and Belle Lassiter, destitute share crop farmers trying to scratch out a meager living on a small patch of poor soil. Colton was the fourth of seven children with three older brothers, Asa, Farrell, and Obediah, and three younger sisters, Hannah, Jessamine, and Minerva. With little to eat and no prospect for the future, the three older boys left home to work on the docks in New York City. When the War of Southern Independence, better known as the War of Northern Aggression, but referred to as The American Civil War in the politically correct middle school textbooks, broke out, the three Lassiter boys enlisted in the Northern (Union) Army having been promised "three squares" by an overly aggressive, ethically challenged recruiter trying to meet his quota. The newly commissioned privates were shipped out to Tennessee to serve under Major General Ulysses S. Grant. When Pa Lassiter found out his heart siezed up and he died on the spot. Ma Lassiter died six months later of a broken heart leaving Colton and his three baby sisters to fend for themselves. Colton being fifteen years old lied about his age and enlisted in the Confederate Army and the three little girls were farmed out to begin an abusive life with uncaring relatives. As fate would have it, Colton was assigned to serve under General Albert Sidney Johnston and General P. G. T. Beaueregard. On April 4, 1862 the Lassiter boys faced each other at the Battle of Shiloh in southwest Tennessee. During the first day of the battle at Pittsburgh Landing, the Confederate Army wupped the Union and the three older Lassiter boys perished, perhaps at the hands of Colton. On the second day the tides changed and the Union Army counterattacked forcing the Confederate Rebels to retreat from the bloodiest battle in the history of the United States up to that time. Colton, however, was saved when a mangy stray mutt alerted him to the pre dawn, full frontal bayonet attack and survived to fight another day. As we all know the war progressed, the Confederacy was defeated and Colton laid down his rifle and walked west never looking back. That was when he discovered cask strength single malt Scotch whisky. One night while sitting around the campfire an old man said to Lassiter, "Son you look down." Lassiter said, "Yeah, no kidding old man, Ma and Pa are dead, I probably killed my three older brothers in the Battle of Shiloh, I don't know what happened to my three baby sisters and we lost the War. On top of that, Doc Stirling, the Army Veterenarian, with a fondness for the bottle, tells me that the old mangy mutt over there that saved my life and has been following me around ever since the end of the war has sugar diabetes!" The oldtimer nonchalantly pulled out his Judge Colt revolver and shot the dog dead and said, "Well son we all have our problems, why don't you try some of this?" He handed Lassiter a dram of Ardmore vol. 53.9%, 107.8 proof whisky with a golden appearance, cooked pork and apple sauce nose, sweet, savory, and smoky honeyed pork taste and a burnt toffee finish. Lassiter, savoring his dram, knew from that point on life was worth living. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Many have asked The Maaltman, "What is the inspiration for the Lassiter series?" Simply stated, a good cask strength single malt Scotch whisky in a relaxing environment and the series writes itself!

Tommy Maaltman's Wild, Wild West Kid Colton meets up with Lassiter.

Kid Colton galloped into the dusty, dirty, forgotten town of..... Forgotten astride his big black as coal colt named Coal and reigned up hard in front of The Hole in the Wall Saloon. Throwing his right leg over the saddle horn, he jumped to the ground and quickly began dusting off his black leather pants and boots. Bursting through the door of the saloon he saw Lassiter sitting at the far end of the bar by himself savoring a dram of his favorite cask strength single malt Scotch whisky. Kid Colton said, "Get up old man and prepare to meet your maker." Sally, the attractive, intelligent, highly educated school marm from back East who lasted three hours in the one room frontier school before realizing that she could make her entire year's teacher salary in one night in the Saloon, Kitty, the rough ridden and put away wet lady of the evening, and Kate, who got drunk one night, blacked out with her head too close to the kerosene lamp catching her hair on fire and hideously burning her face but not her smoking hot body, better known as The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly respectively by the locals, looked at each other and said, "Kid Colton looks just like a young Lassiter!?!?! With their mouths gaping open gasping for air all three fainted and fell to the dusty, dirty floor. Lassiter finished his dram and slowly stood up facing "The Kid." Their identical ice cold, steely gray eyes met and locked. The Kid drew first but Lassiter was faster and squeezed the trigger of his 44 Magnum Smith and Wesson six shooter sending a 256 grain lead slug directly into the barrel of The Kid's Colt 44 causing the gun to ricochet out of The Kids's hand and fly back into the wall of the Saloon. The Kid grabbed his hand that was "bullet" stung and now felt like it was broken and bent over in pain cursing the old man. As he slowly stood up he once again looked into the eyes of Lassiter and said, "Daddy?!?" Lassiter said, "That's right son." Kid said in shocking despair, "I could have killed you." Lassiter chuckled and replied, "You're good son but you ain't that good....yet. Come on over here I've got just the medicine for that sore hand of yours." He turned to Gums the toothless unshaven bar keep and ordered a bottle of Braes of Glenlivet, vol. 58.9%, 18 year old, "The Edinburgh Fog," with a pale amber color, malt extract nose, sweet, tarry and oily taste before adding water becoming more maranite-like with water. It is the smell of Edinburgh on a still foggy autumn evening. The finish smooth, mouth filling and chocolatey . "Son, I enjoy drinking this whisky when I'm reading the Bible." As they were drinking their whisky, Lassiter said, "How's your Mama, Son?" Kid Colton replied, "She ain't. Died last winter. Doc says she died of influenza on top of the consumption. I think she died of exhaustion, working her fingers to the bone cleaning the toilets of rich folk back East trying to make enough money to feed Sis and me after you walked out on us. I couldn't take it no more so I up and left. I figured it was one less mouth to feed for Mama. Now with Mama dead, I don't know what became of Sis. Poor little innocent thing was only twelve." As they finished their drams, Kid got up to leave. Lassiter said, "Colton, be careful out there. I'll see to it that Sis is looked after." Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy Maaltman discovers The Bottle Wine and Spirits in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

News of a new emporium of fine spirits has gone viral since it's discovery by the Maaltman and a recent entry on the Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings found on tommymaaltman.blogspot.com, (shameless plug.) Yes, everybody is talking about The Bottle Wine and Spirits, located at 1364 Augustine Lane, Fayetteville, Arkansas. And what are they saying? Billie Bob says, "I'm getting a lot of tail at The Bottle Wine and Spirits." For the Northerners, I'll translate. What Billie Bob means is that you can get a 1.5 liter of Yellow Tail wine for 10.99!!! Jimmy Jack says, "Im getting crowned at The Bottle Wine and Spirits." Which means, The Bottle Wine and Spirits has the best selection of Crown Royal products in the region. So Y'all Pick up a copy of True Grit written by Arkansas' favorite son, Charles Portis and mosey on down to The Bottle Wine and Spirits, home of the only single malt scotch selection that would make Lassiter roll over in his grave. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy Maaltman discovers The Bottle Wine and Spirits

Maaltmen. If you are planning on traveling south of the Mason Dixon Line do yourself a favor and visit The Bottle Wine and Spirits in Fayetteville, Arkansas. A must stop for the Booze Afcionado and connoisseur of fine single malt scotch whisky where you can pick up a bottle of Macallan 25 year old vol 43% with a full amber color, smoky nose, full rounded toffee, fruit and spice taste and complex finish for the bargain price of $690.00. Tommy Maaltman has spent up to $900.00 for a bottle of this angel's nectar. And when you are there be sure to inquire about how to become a "Friend of Paul." Slainte, Tommy Maaltman