Tommy Maaltman's The Legend of Colton Lassiter

Not much is known about Colton Lassiter's early life but this much is known for sure. Colton was born in Richmond, Virginia to Bose and Belle Lassiter, destitute share crop farmers trying to scratch out a meager living on a small patch of poor soil. Colton was the fourth of seven children with three older brothers, Asa, Farrell, and Obediah, and three younger sisters, Hannah, Jessamine, and Minerva. With little to eat and no prospect for the future, the three older boys left home to work on the docks in New York City. When the War of Southern Independence, better known as the War of Northern Aggression, but referred to as The American Civil War in the politically correct middle school textbooks, broke out, the three Lassiter boys enlisted in the Northern (Union) Army having been promised "three squares" by an overly aggressive, ethically challenged recruiter trying to meet his quota. The newly commissioned privates were shipped out to Tennessee to serve under Major General Ulysses S. Grant. When Pa Lassiter found out his heart siezed up and he died on the spot. Ma Lassiter died six months later of a broken heart leaving Colton and his three baby sisters to fend for themselves. Colton being fifteen years old lied about his age and enlisted in the Confederate Army and the three little girls were farmed out to begin an abusive life with uncaring relatives. As fate would have it, Colton was assigned to serve under General Albert Sidney Johnston and General P. G. T. Beaueregard. On April 4, 1862 the Lassiter boys faced each other at the Battle of Shiloh in southwest Tennessee. During the first day of the battle at Pittsburgh Landing, the Confederate Army wupped the Union and the three older Lassiter boys perished, perhaps at the hands of Colton. On the second day the tides changed and the Union Army counterattacked forcing the Confederate Rebels to retreat from the bloodiest battle in the history of the United States up to that time. Colton, however, was saved when a mangy stray mutt alerted him to the pre dawn, full frontal bayonet attack and survived to fight another day. As we all know the war progressed, the Confederacy was defeated and Colton laid down his rifle and walked west never looking back. That was when he discovered cask strength single malt Scotch whisky. One night while sitting around the campfire an old man said to Lassiter, "Son you look down." Lassiter said, "Yeah, no kidding old man, Ma and Pa are dead, I probably killed my three older brothers in the Battle of Shiloh, I don't know what happened to my three baby sisters and we lost the War. On top of that, Doc Stirling, the Army Veterenarian, with a fondness for the bottle, tells me that the old mangy mutt over there that saved my life and has been following me around ever since the end of the war has sugar diabetes!" The oldtimer nonchalantly pulled out his Judge Colt revolver and shot the dog dead and said, "Well son we all have our problems, why don't you try some of this?" He handed Lassiter a dram of Ardmore vol. 53.9%, 107.8 proof whisky with a golden appearance, cooked pork and apple sauce nose, sweet, savory, and smoky honeyed pork taste and a burnt toffee finish. Lassiter, savoring his dram, knew from that point on life was worth living. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman