Sunday, July 17, 2011
Lassiter warned the Donner Party
There's an old saying in the Territory West of the Law. Keep skunks, lawyers and bankers at a distance. Bankers are just fancy suits with advanced degrees in cheatin'. After years of crooked book keeping, ungodly high mortgage home loan interest rates, bank favorable illegal foreclosures and low saving's account interest rates, the good folk of Sacramento, California couldn't take it no more. Lassiter didn't believe in the institution of banking. He kept all his valuables in the safest place in the world, a small pocket tucked behind his holstered 44 magnum Smith and Wesson six shooter. Why you'd have to be a damn fool to try to rob that bank! Lassiter was happy to oblige when the town folk of Sacramento asked him to clean up their little problem. Bodies started piling up all over and soon enough the remaining bankers were scared straight. It was time for Lassiter to leave and go home to the dusty, dirty, forgotten town of......Forgotten. There were only two problems. It was late in the season and the Sierra Nevada Mountain Range laid between him and home sweet home. Lassiter left town determined to get home for 'Lil' Madeline's upcoming christening. All went well at first as Lassiter headed East but then a nasty storm blew in dumping feet of snow delivered by sixty mile an hour winds causing blinding whiteout blizzard conditions, bone chilling sub zero wind chill factors and haunticaines in the treacherous high elevation mountain passes. Lassiter knew if he stopped he would die a painful frozen death. So he pushed on riding Blaze, his trusty steed, in shoulder high snow. After days of slow going misery with no food he descended out of the mountains. In the distance he saw a wagon train slowly moving West. Lassiter approached the wagon master, a Mister Rowdy Higgins, and said, "Rowdy, you ain't asking for my advice but I'm going to give it to you anyway. You might as well settle here for the rest of the season. Ain't nobody gettin' through them mountains this winter. I was the last man out and damn lucky to do so." Rowdy said, "Lassiter you are absolutely right. I didn't ask for your, or anyone else's, advice but I'll pass the information on to the Donner Party that hired me to safely get them to California." It's unlikely Rowdy passed the information on to the Donners since he was offered a $100.00 bonus if he could get them to California before Winter set in. Lassiter pushed on an arrived just in time to hear the Priest, sober for a change say, "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, I baptize you 'Lil' Madeline." 'Lil' Madeline, all dressed up in her brand new homespun dress was especially happy that day with a distinctive sparkle in those little stone cold steely gray eyes when she saw that Grampa Lassiter made it to the ceremony. Everyone celebrated with a dram of St Magdalene 19 year old, 63.8 vol with a full gold color, brunt grass and juicy oak nose, chewy, liquorice-maltiness and peat and sappy bitter finish. St Magdalene was built on the former sight of a leper colony and convent. With the Priest passed out and all the family members home, Lassiter wondered what happened to the Donner Party? Sláinte, Tommy Maaltman
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