Wait what, No darkies?

Squatting to empty his aching loose bowels the next morning, Alistair MacQualter Graham, M.D., the newly commissioned sawbone for the succesh Northern Army of Virginia yelled at a private passing by, "Hey you, where are my darkies," assuming that every medical officer would be issued several slaves to make Army life more tolerable. After all, wasn't that what the Confederacy was all about? Private Jimmy Byrd Ewell from some back woods, no name shat hole in South Carolina said, "There ain't no darkies here Suh." "Theys all back on the plantations slaven' for the masta or done run away to fight for the Federals." "Alls hehya is us poor dumb bastard white folk sacrificing health, limb and life trying to preserve the owners way of life." The shock of having no darkies started to settle in and not finding anything to wipe his stinking arse Alistair hiked up his soiled damp gray wool britches and headed back to his tent for a morning dram of Balcones Baby Blue, The Original Texas Corn Whisky, batch BB 15.12. 46% alc/vol. Beautifully bronzed color. The nose captures the essence of prized corn. The first taste explodes with a rich oily maize and nuttiness flavor. The second taste refines into true American whisky with a complex and soft finish. Feeling the alcohol entering his bloodstream, Alistair thought, maybe this stint wouldn't be so bad after all. Slàinte, Tommy Maatman.