Tommy Maaltman's Wild, Wild West, Minerva finds happiness.

No matter how wretched and despicable an existence, all human beings have dreams, goals, and a desire to seek happiness. Minerva Lassiter, the daughter of Colton Lassiter, the stone cold, lone gunman, killer for hire, was no exception. Upon stepping off the train in St. Louis, she was immediately overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of this big thriving supply city on the Eastern edge of Tommy Maaltman's Wild, Wild West. It didn't take her long to realize that Mr. Bagette, the President of the Southern Union Bank in Valdosta, Georgia, cheated her out of all her money and that the nicely dressed Preacher Man, that she encountered on the train, got her drunk and stole what little self esteem she had left. She had to assume that she was lied to and that her father, Colton Lassiter, was nowhere near the city of St. Louis. However, Colton Lassiter was well known in these parts and it didn't take long to find out that he resided in the dusty, dirty, forgotten town of.....Forgotten. Minerva, a true survivor, did what she does best, and signed up to be the wash woman for a wagon train departing for the Northwest Territory of Oregon. As luck would have it, the path of the wagon train would go through Forgotten on it's way west. In exchange for washing the settlers filthy, sweat drenched clothes in some parasite infested streams, she would earn her food and keep until she arrived in Forgotten. Well, there was a lot of washing to do, not much food to eat, and her "keep" consisted of sleeping under a wagon at night with a flea and small pox infested blanket to keep her warm. After many days on the trail, the wagon trained rolled into Forgotten. Minerva thanked her boss the wagon master, Mr. Rowdy Higgins, and parted ways searching for the father who walked out on her many years ago back East. Lassiter was nowhere to be found, having taken a couple of jobs in the Territory of Arizona settling land disputes between the powerful and wealthy cattle ranchers and the less prosperous sheep herders. Despondent, desperate, barely alive, suffering from malnutrition, fatigued and depressed, Minerva made her way to the Forgotten Flea Bag Boarding House and offered to work as a wash woman. The owners laughed at the proposition, never having a need to wash the bedding, but feeling sorry for her said she could sleep in the barn overnight next to the mules providing she shoveled out the manure the next morning. That is where she met Jimmy, the 16 year old, third grade frontier school drop out whose family had been scalped and massacred in a Nez Pierce injun raid, recovering from having both clavicles broken by Lassiter in a recent confrontation in The Hole in the Wall Saloon. It was love at first sight. Jimmy was just beginning to get feeling back in his arms and hands and offered Minerva a dram of Lagavulin, Distillers Edition, Double Matured, 43 vol. Finished in Pedro Ximenex Sherry Casks with a rich amber color, smoke and fish nose, smoke, peat and Spanish Sherry taste and a long soft smoke and gently spiced finish. The bottle was a gift from Gums, the unshaven, toothless bar keep at The Hole in the Wall Saloon paid for my Lassiter with two gold nuggets with instructions to give it to Jimmy when he recovers. Minerva, a bit wary, accepted a small dram and as she savored the God's nectar, she felt like she finally found her little slice of Heaven on Earth. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's Wild, Wild West Minerva heads West

Boarding the train, Minerva felt ill and her head throbbed from hitting the marble floor after fainting back at the Southern Union Bank upon learning of her "good fortune, " i.e. receiving 40.00 Confederate dollars in a telegraph from her long lost father, Colton Lassiter. Having hastily bandaged her head with filthy rags she found at the Boarding House while she packed, she now had time to attend to her wound as the train slowly pulled away from the train station in Valdosta, Georgia heading to St. Louis, Missouri. Minerva looked like death warmed over as she slowly unwrapped the crusted with blood rags revealing a nasty S shaped deep laceration in the middle of her forehead with a deep vertical gash dividing the S in the middle giving the appearance of a dollar sign!!! She gasped as she thought to herself, well this hideous laceration might as well look like a dollar sign since it happened as I was receiving my God sent good fortune from Heaven. She attended to her wound as best she could and found an open seat next to a nicely dressed, man of the cloth preacher, who smiled compassionately as Minerva sat down next to him. The Preacher Man glanced at Minerva and said, "Looks like you are running away from trouble." Minerva responded, "Preacher Man, if you only knew," and explained how her father walked out on the family many years ago. Her brother left home to make a name for himself as a gunslinger. Her mother died working her fingers to the bone leaving her to fend for herself. Then out of the clear blue, a telegraph arrived with money, like manna from heaven, a gift from God Almighty, allowing her to leave her wretched life behind and start over. The Preacher Man said, " Praise the Lord, let's celebrate" as he pulled out a bottle of Ben Nevis cask strength single malt Scotch whisky, 61.9 vol., 123.8 proof with a dark, rich, oily mahogany color, strong, astringent nose, burnt caramel aromatic taste and smooth mellow finish. The strong whisky went right to her head and she passed out. The Preacher Man immediately searched her body and found the money sewn in to her dress at the waist. He eagerly opened the envelope only to find the 40.00 worthless Confederate dollars. With a feeling of......anger and disgust he threw the envelope and the money out the window and got off at the next train stop leaving Minerva unconscious, penniless, vulnerable and destitute. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's Wild, Wild West Lassiter shows his soft side.

Colton Lassiter walked in to the overcrowded Hole in the Wall Saloon on a "payday Saturday night." Squeezing into a small opening at the bar he asked Gums, the toothless, unshaven barkeep for a bottle of his best cask strength single malt Scotch whisky. As he was waiting for his whisky he couldn't help but overhear two drifters giving Kate, the lady of the evening better known as "The Ugly" by the locals ever since getting drunk one night, passing out with her head too close to the kerosene lamp, catching her hair on fire and hideously burning her face, but not her smoking hot body, a hard time. Curly, a forty something low life drifter with stringy black straight greasy hair and a long greasy, dirty food stained moustache covering both of his lips looked at Kate and said, "Whoa, who beat you up side the head with the ugly stick?" His good for nothing, horribly small pox scared face, side kick named "Moon Craters" snickered as a small tear formed in the corner of Kate's eye and made it's way down the hideously burned surface of her scarred cheek. "Yeah Curly," Moon Crater said, "It looks like her face melted! Lucky for her the rest of her body wasn't affected or else she'd be as useless as a tit on a boar and unemployed like us!" Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he the two no goods chuckled to themselves. Lassiter was in the process of building himself a smoke but couldn't take it nomore. As he faced the drifters he said, "Pardon my intrusion gents, but that is a human being you're talking about, one with feelings. I must say your two pusses ain't much to look at neither. But I think I can hep yuh." Lassiter stood up and grabbed both of them from behind their heads and forcefully slammed their faces together crushing most of their facial bones, knocking out their remaining rotten teeth, and flattening their noses like pancakes. He then grabbed them by their shirt collars, walked them to the swinging doors of the Hole in the Wall Saloon and threw them out into the dirty, dusty street of the forgotten town of.....Forgotten. When they landed on their faces, neither realized how lucky they were to be alive. Lassiter walked back to the bar and sat down next to Kate where a bottle of Linkwood cask strength single malt Scotch whisky, 57.7 vol. 100.9 proof with a dark straw color, sweet, fruity nose, creamy, chocolaty, fruity and peppery taste and a complex malt and fruit finish, was waiting. He poured two glasses and handed one to Kate. As the melancholic Kate savored her dram, she could feel her body begin to warm up and her self esteem return. Upon finishing the whisky, she looked up into the steely gray, stone cold eyes of the lone gunman, killer for hire and said, "Thank you Colton." Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman on product placement and promotion.

Maaltmen. In this day and age of mass consumerism, producer globalization, marketing domination and shameless self promotion, (tommymaaltman.blogspot.com, The Bottle Wine and Spirits, Friends of Paul, etc., etc., etc.) it is virtually impossible not to be affected by these forms of mass persuasion. I say don't fight it, embrace it. For example, I suggest that you see the recently released movie, The Lincoln Lawyer, starring Matthew McConaughey and my new all time favorite actress after her starring role in The Wrestler, Marisa Tomei. In one seen, Matthew is stressed out and takes two big swigs out of a bottle of The Balvenie Signature 12 year old, 40 vol., with a deep golden orange color, dry woody and orange nose, barley and fruitcake taste and long fruity finish. Very effective! Later he pours a glass of Glenfiddich Special Reserve, 12 year old, 40 vol., with a gold and faint green tinged color, fruity, pear like, grassy nose, malty sweet and toasted hazelnut taste and peat and smoke finish. As he takes a large gulp neat, the essence of the scene becomes meaningful clear. Did the product placement enhance the movie? It WAS the movie!!! Are we talking Academy Awards yet? Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's Wild, Wild West, Pennies from Heaven.

One day, out of the clear blue sky, a telegraph wiring money, was received by Minerva Lassiter, the long lost seventeen year old daughter of Colton Lassiter, the stone cold, gun for hire, professional killer. Living in squalor in Valdosta, Georgia, Minerva was working her fingers to the bone washing dirty, fly infested, bandages and bedding in a dilapidated boarding house serving the wounded and dying Confederate Soldiers in the newly reconstructed South after the War of Northern Aggression. The money transfer was accompanied by a message that read, "Minerva Lassiter, use this money to improve your lot in life. Fondly, your father, Colton Lassiter." Unfortunately, Minerva couldn't read or count but she was smart enough to seek advice and professional help. She went to the most reputable bank in the South, The Southern Union, and asked to speak to the bank's president. Reluctantly, a Mr. Balfour Bagette asked Minerva to come into his office and sit down. Looking over his glasses, the pink skinned, balding, fat, gout inflicted from years of over eating and over drinking, man, saw a severely malnourished, filthy, desperate woman dressed in rags and looking years older than her age. Feeling a sense of......disgust, he never the less carefully counted up the money totaling $250.00 Federal United States Bank Notes from a Mr. Colton Lassiter residing in the dirty, dusty, forgotten Western Territory town of.....Forgotten and dutifully told Minerva that " she was the fortunate recipient of $50.00 Confederate (worthless after the war) Dollars from a Mister Colton Lassiter living in St. Louis, Missouri." Learning of her new found " wealth and good fortune" and realizing that she could never in a lifetime save up that amount of money as a wash woman, she stood up and fainted hitting her head on the marble floor and splitting her forehead wide open leaving a nasty jagged gash. Upon regaining consciousness, she asked Mr. Bagette for the money and he happily handed her $40.00 useless Confederate dollars keeping his "10% bank fee" anxious to get her out of his office so that an underling could clean up the mess. Minerva never bothered to give notice to the boarding house. She immediately purchased a third class one way ticket to St. Louis with her meager savings, carefully sewing her new found " wealth" into her ragged dress for safe keeping, seeking to find her savior, not knowing that Lassiter was nowhere near St. Louis. Meanwhile Lassiter, feeling good about helping the daughter he walked out on was hundreds of miles away in the dirty, dusty, forgotten town of.......Forgotten at The Hole in the Wall Saloon savoring a dram of Glenglassaugh cask strength single malt Scotch whisky, vol. 51.1%, 102.2 proof with a light gold color, cotton candy nose, vanilla custard and glycerine taste, and a sweet, minty, vanilla finish. As he cherished his last sip of the sweet nectar he couldn't help but think, "Ain't life good!". Slainte, Tommy Maaltman