Wait what, No darkies?

Squatting to empty his aching loose bowels the next morning, Alistair MacQualter Graham, M.D., the newly commissioned sawbone for the succesh Northern Army of Virginia yelled at a private passing by, "Hey you, where are my darkies," assuming that every medical officer would be issued several slaves to make Army life more tolerable. After all, wasn't that what the Confederacy was all about? Private Jimmy Byrd Ewell from some back woods, no name shat hole in South Carolina said, "There ain't no darkies here Suh." "Theys all back on the plantations slaven' for the masta or done run away to fight for the Federals." "Alls hehya is us poor dumb bastard white folk sacrificing health, limb and life trying to preserve the owners way of life." The shock of having no darkies started to settle in and not finding anything to wipe his stinking arse Alistair hiked up his soiled damp gray wool britches and headed back to his tent for a morning dram of Balcones Baby Blue, The Original Texas Corn Whisky, batch BB 15.12. 46% alc/vol. Beautifully bronzed color. The nose captures the essence of prized corn. The first taste explodes with a rich oily maize and nuttiness flavor. The second taste refines into true American whisky with a complex and soft finish. Feeling the alcohol entering his bloodstream, Alistair thought, maybe this stint wouldn't be so bad after all. Slàinte, Tommy Maatman.

Reporting for duty.

Stepping off the wagon, Dr. Alistair MacQualter Graham sank into eight inches of a mixture of slim, mud, horse urine and feces as he reported for duty at the Head Quarters of the Northern Army of Virginia under the command of General Robert E. Lee. He walked into the Field Hospital operating theatre without bothering to stamp off the mud from his boots. Dr. Graham didn't notice that the tables were covered with several layers of dried blood, bone fragments and the slim of human entrails with large black clouds of swarming flesh eating black flies overhead. For some reason the sour smell of decaying bodies and bacterial gangrene didn't seem to bother him. He was only interested in finding his quarters and getting settled in and comfortable. To his surprise and chagrin the "Officer's Quarters" was a small canvas tent reeking of moldy damp fabric covering a mud floor scattered with flea infested straw. Unpacking, Dr. Alistair MacQuarter Graham, hired Army hack, wondered if enlisting was such a good idea and how much it would cost Daddy to get him out of this Hell Hole? Not having talked to his father for several years and not bothering to express his gratitude for getting him into Harvard Medical School, Alistair pondered his next move. Bingo, a glass of 10 year old Port Charlotte Second Limited Edition Islay Single Malt. Extremely rare 50% alc./vol with a Floral nose, copper color, heavily peated first taste and a medicinal finish. In fact, just what the Doctor ordered and the right medicine considering the circumstances. Merry Christmas Maaltmen. Slàinte, Tommy Maaltman

Introducing Dr. Graham.

In the year of our Lord Jesus Christ on April 13, 1840, Alastair MacQualter Graham was born with an 18 carat gold spoon shoved down his pie hole to two narcissistic, wealthy, blue blooded Bostonian Yankees who could not have cared less. Everybody assumed the young lad would follow family tradition and enter the idle, corrupt, conniving and swindling profession of banking. Allistair's father was surprised to learn that his lazy seed wanted to be a surgeon! Most surgeons like barbers were itenerent low lifes not held with much regard by those in high society. The boy neglected his studies and spent his youth capturing and dissecting animals for fun. Later he would bury the carcass only to dig it up months later to examine the maggot, cleansed of flesh, bones. Keeping in line with his life's philosophy of doing as little as possible with minimal effort, Alastair applied to the new Homeopathic Medical School at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor only to be quickly and soundly rejected due to "poor academic preparation, lack of ambition and fortitude and questionable moral character." Hoping to be rid of his son, the elder Graham, quickly endowed a chair at Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts and to nobody's surprise, Alistair was granted admission and ultimately graduated at the bottom of his class in 1861. That year in April, the Confederacy, threatened by the Northern state's bully posturing, attacked Fort Sumpter and the Great American War of Northern Aggression was off and running. Alistair Mac Qualter Graham, M.D. having failed at multiple attempts to establish a private surgical practice due to his fondness for adult beverages, decided to enlist in the Army as an hired saw. Thinking it wouldn't be too bad to own some slaves to help out a bit it seemed logical to hitch up with the Army of Northern Virginia under the command of General Robert E. Lee despite the fact that he had nothing in common with the South other than his new belief in slavery. So began the career of Alistair MacQualter Graham, M.D., budding young Army hack with a soon to be abundance of hapless severely injured young patients. Fortunately, despite the multitude of snake eyed, theiving, self taught ambulance chasing attorneys, medical malpractice was not the problem it would later become. Most patients succumbed to medical mistakes and were simply buried in shallow graves and forgotten. In addition, Army surgeons lived from pay check to pay check drinking away most of their money and never accumulated assets making any legal action moot. A medical degree, a budding practice, a lot of down time between battles and an abundance of American whiskey, Scotch whisky and rye. What was not to like? Had Dr. Graham found Heaven on Earth? Feeling good about himself and his new found interest in slavery, Alastair poured himself a dram of Double Black Johnny Walker 40% alcohol, 80 proof whisky with a peaty nose and coal smoldering smoke with spice back ground. Kicking back, Alistair savored the burn and waited for the issuing of his darkies. Slàinte, Tommy Maaltman.