Tommy asks, " What's crazier, California lawsuits or Japanese cask strength single malts?"

Last spring, I was at a dead stop in four lanes of southbound traffic on California Highway 5 when I was rear ended by what turned out to be a pregnant illegal alien and her five year old child. Tommy always drives a large American made SUV when traveling so the collision impact felt like a nat flying into the back of my neck. Never the less, I jumped out of my vehicle risking my life to administer first aide to the other driver who went through the windshield of her foreign made mini sub compact ?smart? car. Fortunately her child was restrained and uninjured in the back seat. A call to 911 promptly brought a California Highway Patrolman to the scene two and one half hours later. He stated he would have been there sooner but the traffic was "horrible! " After thoroughly investigating the accident he sited and ticketed the illegal alien driver for a reckless moving violation and for driving at an unsafe speed for conditions resulting in vehicular damage and human bodily injury. Somehow driving while intoxicated and being in the country illegally were overlooked. Fortunately I was able to attend the Korte Meatball Contest, and depite being rattled and tired I was able to participate in the judging that evening. Several weeks later I was served with papers indicating that I was being sued for damages resulting from "said stated accident." It seems that the other driver who recklessly slammed into me while going through the windshield somehow suffered a whip lash injury and is now disabled and unable to perform her duties as a "domestic engineer" i.e cleaning woman at tax free cash wages. While recuperating from her injury she prematurely delivered her baby, a boy, who immediately upon poking his head through the birth canal was granted U.S. citizenship by Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer. Fortunately for him, since a stent in the newborn neonatal unit usually required for premature infants, typically runs $387,000.00 for uncomplicated cases. Being a U.S. citizen enables him to be eligible for medicaid. So I ask you what could be crazier? How about a great cask strength single malt produced in Japan? Don't be a snob, this is the real deal. For example, try a Yamazaki 18 year old, 43 vol. Deep amber color, leather and oranges nose, smokey citrus fruit flavor and long fruity finish. The sun will set on my lawsuit in the west, hopefully in my favor, but I am concentrating on the land of the rising sun in the far east and looking forward to sampling many more great cask strength Japanese single malts. Kanpai, (Slainte) Tommy Maaltman

Professor Tommy Maaltman's Anatomy 101 Class.

"Good morning class. Good morning Professor Maaltman. Today we are going to discuss the anatomy of the human tongue. To start, draw a large U on your note paper. Oh I'm sorry I forgot you don't carry note paper or pencils anymore. Well anyway this would represent the human tongue. Now the tongue has many purposes, (nervous giggles are heard throughout the auditorium) but we are going to concentrate on the sensation, perception, and experience of taste, one of the five senses humans possess. Taste and smell are the result of chemoreceptors and go hand in hand and when we taste we are mostly smelling. The tongue provides us with four tastes, sweet, sour, salt, and bitter. We taste sweet from the tip of our tongue. On the side of our tongue we taste salt. Sour is tasted on either side of the rear of our tongue. Bitter is tasted at the base of the tongue. Class, with your imaginary colored pencils label your imaginary diagram of the human tongue on your note paper with the various areas of taste. Our little friends the taste buds, (almost 9000 of them,) are responsible for sending nerve impulses to the brain after coming in contact with the foodstuffs. The center of the tongue is relatively devoid of taste buds which is why to experience taste to the fullest you must roll the substance around over the surface of the tongue. Now tonight's assignment, (groans erupt from the auditorium,) will involve putting what we learned today in the classroom to practical use. Pour a dram of Laphroaig 10 year old, cask strength, 57.3 vol., gold color, tarry nose, seaweed and salt taste with a briny finish and compare it to a Glenmorangie 18 year old, 43% pale yellow gold appearance, overwhelming sweet nose, fruity taste and floral finish employing your new anatomical knowledge to your tasting experience. And don't forget to nose! " Before the Professor could say, "class dismissed," there was a stampede of students from the lecture hall. Later that evening the Professor put his feet up and relaxed with the assignment drams and sighed to himself, "Isn't tenure great!" Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

The University of Michigan spanks Notre Dame for sins of their Fathers and Rick Rossi blows it.

Tommy (Bachelor of Science with High Distinction University of Michigan graduate, 1975,) relished in the Wolverine's win over Notre Dame this weekend but was disappointed when Rick Rossi, one of only three selected to ask Coach Kelly a question, meekly in a politically correct manner said, " Who served as a role model in your life?" The Maaltman would have, given the opportunity, asked a much more interesting and relevant question such as, "What Scotch single malt whisky most effected your coaching philosophy?" Well sadly we may never know but I suspect Coach may have replied, "That's easy, an Ardbeg "Lord of the Isles" 25 year old, 46 vol. The supreme expression of Ardbeg, with a full gold appearance, (like the helmets,) distant smoke of battle nose, silky, smooth, fruity taste and a very disappointing finish, like the team!" Go Blue, are we talking Heisman yet? Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy on investments.

Buy gold! Buy gold! I can't turn on the TV without some ex-con (Gordon Liddy) screaming these words. Last time I heard so much hype about buying gold was in 1979 when everybody drained their bank accounts and bought gold Krugerands for $873.00 an ounce only to find them worth $200.00 six months later. The only people getting rich in the gold market are the people selling gold and the con artists hawking it's virtue. I'm much too conservative. I say buy CD's. Not certificates of deposits. No, the type of CD that you pop in your Bose sound system as you sit down to enjoy your favorite dram of Scotch single malt whisky. And since we are talking investments and whisky, don't forget a superbly selected bottle of Scotch single malt whisky can also be a good investments as it ages. No silly, it doesn't get better after bottling, but as other people consume theirs, yours becomes more scarce and therefore more valuable. Remember in high school economics class when the teacher droned on and on about supply and demand? Whisky futures, there's gold in them thar hills! It's not so far fetched after all. My problem is that I would rather enjoy the single malt whisky that I purchased than to sell it to some dupe at a greatly inflated price for a profit. For example, I have several bottles of The Macallan 25 year old single malt. This whisky is amber red in color with a smokey nose, full body taste and dry complex finish. Sure I could sell what's left but to me it's priceless. So don't be a gold schmuck , drink it! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy says, "manly men drink manly whisky."

Did Mark Mcgwire, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa take steroids? Does the Pope s**t in the woods? Are bears catholic? You be the judge. But when it comes to performance enhanced whiskys, you have got to start in the steroid land of Islay, home of a manly man's dram. For example, the Ardbeg Supernova, 58.9 vol., pale gold color, blatant in your face damp soil, peat, smoke, tar, resin, muscular body nose, lively tobacco, peat and salt taste, with a long black pepper finish. Wow!!! The only other way to experience these flavors and smells is to sign on to a work crew of an asphalt paving company in the middle of a hot summer. A few drams of this will shrivel your testicles to the size of BBs. Yo, Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy says, "Get what you need."

Perhaps the great philosopher, humanitarian, artist and songwriter, Mick Jager, said it best, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need." Sure I'd like to exclusively drink Macallan 25 year old, Highland Park 30 year old, Bowmore 50 year old, etc., etc., etc. But unless you're a United States government employee you probably can't afford the 1000.00 dollar plus cost per bottle for these fine whiskys! So what do you do? You get what you need! A 20 dollar bottle of The Famous Grouse. A mature blended scotch whisky with a mid gold color. The nose is toffee and caramel with floral notes as expected when malts and grains are blended together. The peat comes from the Highland Park contribution. The finish is smooth and mellow. The Scots known to be frugal (cheap) have taken this blended whisky to their bosom (Scotland's biggest selling whisky) because this one won't ruffle the pocket book. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy, road racers, sissies and a jacked up man's dram.

OK, I wasn't going to return to the subject anymore but I just can't let it go. As I was enjoying my fourth double expresso on the drive into work last Saturday morning I passed several ?guys? training on their road bikes. I say ?guys? because I couldn't really tell what they were dressed in their one piece, synthetic material colorful graphic art singlets, aerodynamic color matched head gear with a hands free Camel Back water delivery system, cute little half cut stockinettes and what appeared to be ballerina slipper biking shoes. Has anyone else noticed the femininazatiion of road racing? And when was the last time one of these he-she pretty boys taken first place in the Tour de France or the Tour de Anything for that matter? I'll tell you when, NEVER! Not as long as the steroid road enraged cowboys from the West are in the game. No, Im not saying Lance Owens , the cancer survivor, super hero, took steroids, but he does bring a sense of "hard as nails" masculinity to the sport. And that's with only one testicle! As you know, Tommy rides a road bike. You may have seen me on a 40 miler wearing an old beat up pair of Patagonia baggy shorts, a dirty white Hanes T shirt, no socks and an ancient pair of cracked leather bike shoes. And no, I've never worn a Camel Back water system or even packed a bottle of water no matter how long the ride or how hot the day. I am content to "rehydrated" after I get home with a tall glass of tap water and a dram of my favorite scotch single malt whisky. And speaking of being jacked up on roids, let's return to my favorite region of Scotland, Islay, and enjoy a super charged dram of Ardbeg Uigeadail, 54.2 vol. With a pale gold color, smokey nose, hot alcohol explosion on the tongue and a true shocking to the system finish. Slainte, road ragers. Tommy Maaltman.