Tommy's thoughts on federal excise tax, The Whiskey Rebellion of 1794 , and Bowmore 21 year old . Dram 8 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Let's talk about the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. The first test of our new nation's Federal Authority. When deeply in debt due to expenses incurred by capitalists over charging for shoddy war time supplies for the Revolutionary Army of the Colonies, the Feds came up with a novel idea. Let's tax the people where it hurts. We'll tax whiskey production! Thus a national policy was established. Recklessly run up debt, then tax the people to death. Well "the people" once again rebelled against this outrageous tax and humiliated the tax collectors with torture and by tar and feathering as they burned down their homesteads and offices like poor old John Neville and his slaves. Which brings me to the point of this piece, Bowmore 21 year old single malt whisky, dram number 8 on the single malt whisky bucket list. Unfortunately you can no longer purchase this whisky. It was given to me many years ago by a patient expressing his gratitude to me for saving his life. If you like the smell of pine oil, smoke and tar, you will love this whisky. Dark in appearance, this Islay ignites in your mouth delivering salt and more intense tar flavors. The finish makes your skin squirm with sweat and heat. The Whiskey Rebellion was squelched when Alexander Hamilton and George Washington assembled an army of over twelve thousand miltiamen and marched westward to establish a precedent. Tax, tax, tax, and then tax some more. But in this case the exquisite expression of a dram of Bowmore 21 year old single malt whisky overshadows the disgust you will feel when you pull out your billfold to pay for your whisky knowing full well that the good old United States government is pocketing a significant portion of the price. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

What do Fred MacMurray, Glenrothes Vintage 1987, and Tommy Maaltman have in common? Dram number 7 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Last night we watched the sun slip into the Great Lake resulting in a glorious sunset accompanied by the sound of the waves gently lapping up onto the sandy shore. Or was that sound the sound of my three sons enjoying drams of Glenrothes Vintage 1987 , dram number 7 on the single malt whiskey bucket list. Sometimes I feel like Fred MacMurray who played Steven Douglas, the widower father of the TV show "My Three Sons" (1960-1972) as I try to teach my boys about the finer things in life. But they didn't need any help or guidance when it comes to swilling the old man's single malt! The Glenrothes Vintage 1987, still available, holds a special place in my heart since one of my boys was born that year and on his 21st birthday I presented him with a bottle lovingly cradled in a wood box. Glenrothes Vintages 1984 and 1989 have a similar special meaning for me but are no longer available making me happy I did the same for my other two sons. The rich golden brown color makes this a very attractive malt visually to enjoy in the summer by the lake as the sun is setting. The taste is of sweet vanilla, lemon and ginger. The finish provides enough smoke and peat making a campfire unnecessary. In Michael Jackson's (the whisky epicurean not the pop culture icon) words, "The flavor metaphors evoke childhood, but this is a very adult sophisticated malt." Rest both of their soles. Michael Jackson the pop culture icon died trying to get a good night's sleep. Michael Jackson the whisky epicurean died battling the ravages of Parkinson's Disease. The sunset was heaven on earth, the whisky was heaven in a glass. The Jacksons are hopefully in the real heaven. I'll have just one more please. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy agrees with advice from the dean of an institution of higher learning, almost. Dram number 6 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Dean Vernon Wormer summarizes Flounder's academic achievements in the great movie, Animal House, by saying, "Dorfman, fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son." But if you had to choose one, why not be drunk enjoying a dram or three of Highland Park 30 year old single malt whisky, dram number 6 on the single malt whisky bucket list. Distilled on the Island of Orkney in the North Sea where workers watched the German Nazi Navy scuttle their fleet towards the end of World War II against a brilliant sunset, this whisky is a beautiful reddish gold. The bouquet expresses thirty years of oak maturation with choclatey fudge. Uncut, there is nuttiness, toffee, and honey. The finish is sweet, unusual for an old whisky lingering idlely for thirty years in an oak barrel. While I encourage responsible drinking, and deplore drunkenness and debauchery, it will be hard to turn down another dram of this whisky if offered. Unfortunately, it may be difficuly acquiring this whisky as well as costly so be persistent. It's not over until the fat lady sings and remember nothing is over until we decide it's over. Don't forget Bluto's inspiring speech in the same classic movie when he said, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy pours from the butt. Dram number five from the single malt whisky bucket list.

I'm not sure what is enlarging the fastest, my liver, my bulbous nose , my expanding waist or the bouquet of a freshly poured dram of Aberlour18 year old cask strength single malt whisky, dram number 5 of the single malt whisky bucket list. Like all Aberlour whiskies, this one is double matured in an ex- sherry butt and an ex- bourbon oak cask making for a very complex nose of floral, fruit and sweets. I had the privilege of bottling my own while visiting the Aberlour Distillery located at the junction of the River Lour and River Spey in the Speyside region of the Highlands in Scotland during a recent visit in 2009. This cask strength whisky is both fruity and sweet like toffee and butterscotch candy. Towards the finish the oak wood emerges along with flavors of honey, peaches, apricot and oranges. A butt and a cask make for an interesting combination but don't try this one alone at home. It should be shared with someone special. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

The Three Stooges, Wimpee from the cartoon, Popeye, and dram number four on the single malt bucket list.

Remember when you were a kid after school watching the Popeye cartoon which aired immediately after thirty prime minutes of the Three Stooges (Larry, Curly, and Moe) when Wimpee would walk in and say, " I'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today." Well in a similar vein (probably a bulbous nose vein,) I'd gladly give my esophagus tomorrow for just one more dram of the Laphroaig Quarter Cask single malt whisky today, dram number four on the sinlge malt whisky bucket list. Yes my "Bro Ronny," this one's gonna hurt the old esophagus as it seers and burns it's way done this magnificent muscular tube before it plunges into the stomach exploding in all it's glory like the grand finale of a fireworks display on the Fourth of July. What's not to like about the strong phenol (peat reek,) formaldehyde, iodine and medicinal notes in the uncut first taste. It reminds me of being in the morgue of a hospital in the early fifties. With water, there is more peat and smoke emitted. Can't hide this one from the wife. Mine knows better now, but before when I would sneak a nip she thought I had just come in from burning leaves. As you enjoy a dram you begin to wonder, "Am I having a heart attack or is it just gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD?) Well pop a Nexium and relax and enjoy another dram, it's just GERD! Don't be a stooge and get out and try this dram soon. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Bobby D, Francis Ford Coppola, Colonel Kilgore and Tommy share a dram and some memories.

Do you remember Robert Duvall's stellar performance as Colonel Kilgore in Francis Ford Coppola's Classic movie, Apacolypse Now when he jumped out of an assault helicopter into a firey, smoke filled battle field and asked a medical corpsman attending to a dying grunt, "You smell that? Napalm son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. That gasoline smell. It smells like........VICTORY.". Well if you enjoy an explosive nose, you will love the Lagavulin 16 year old single malt, dram number 3 on the single malt whisky bucket list. It is the color of gasoline and just the appearance brings back fond memories of as a kid plastering your face up to the fuel nozzle as Dad pumps regular gasoline into the family Studebaker. Gunpowder, peat, smoke, and petroleum dominate this whisky uncut. With a splash of water the finish is on fire with a hot scorched earth effect. As Bobby D tears up when he said, "Son, someday this war is going to end!". Sadly, one day this bottle is going to be empty. But don't worry, like war, there will be plenty more in the future. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Dram number two on the single malt whisky bucket list.

I think it's safe to say, "They stopped the oil leak!!!". I'm returning to my favorite region of Scotland for an American dram ( five fingers) of the Mel Gibson of the Islays, an Ardbeg seven year old cask strength single malt, dram number two on the single malt bucket list. This whisky is wild, bombastic, caustic, unpredictable, and totally out of control with a strong smoked bologna casings taste and an oily, creosote finish. Like Mel, who is anti semetic, anti black, and anti wet back and who relates only to other white men who are infatuated with women with giant fake boobs and silicon injected lips, this dram is an equal opportunity offender of all senses and packs a powerful, "knock out your two front teeth," punch! Finally, when drinking Islays remember like Mel's philosophy when selecting a trophy girlfriend, younger is better. Now on a personal note, back in the Islays with the oil well capped, I can concentrate on the immigration problem. Let's keep the illegals out. But if one or two happen to slip through, let me know. I could use a lawn boy at home and a cabana boy at the lake house . Slainte, Tommy Maaltman