Tommy Maaltman is kicking butt, saving lives, taking names and promoting male breast cancer awareness.

Everybody is aware that women get breast cancer and men get prostate cancer. But did you know that men can get breast cancer too? I didn't think you did so in addition to having your prostate digitalized, (digital rectal exam) and checking your nads in the shower monthly, you should stand in front of a mirror, remove your bro, and self examine your man boobs. If you detect a lump, you should immediately contact your physician who will most likely order a manogram and schedule a biopsy. Which reminds me, do you know the difference between a Hematologist and a Urologist? One pricks your finger and the other one, well you know how it goes. Speaking of health, it has been scientifically documented that drinking responsibly is good for your heart so take heart and poor a dram of Scapa, an Orkney Island Scotch single malt, 64.5%, with a mid gold appearance, hand rolled tobacco, sea salt, and bitter chocolate taste and a brine and pepper finish. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings Blog. Here's to your health. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy apologizes to the Laura Ingrahams of the world, but thinks the rise in male alcoholism is related to the plethora of female pundits.

Earlier I wrote a piece on Laura Ingraham, the shrill voiced pundit on Fox Cable TV with the prominently displayed large gold cross uniform and kidded around about cancer. Cancer is nothing to joke about and for that I am sorry. More on cancer later. But seriously, why is it that all the females with an on air opinion are either morbidly obese, (Rosie, Oprah, Whoopie,) anorexic, (Anne Coulter, Laura Ingraham, in her case it may be the chemotherapy,) or tough on the eyes to look at with too much makeup and overly coiffed hair, (Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, etc., etc., etc.) Do these babes have a monopoly on female opinion? Why don't we see Hugh Heffner's Bunnies or Playmates or Penthouse Pets, or strippers for that matter on prime time TV with a point of view or photographed next to an op-ed piece in a major newspaper? I really think that the current list of "female pundits" has something to do with the epidemic of male alcoholism in the United States! Which brings me to the point. Gents, turn the TV off and responsibly enjoy a dram of Glenfiddich (pronounced like Dick) Ancient Reserve, 18 year old 40%. A full gold appearance, sweet neat taste, and soft peat finish. Now that's my opinion! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy opposes the death penalty, it's too humane.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Wait a minute, it's not that simple. Tommy is opposed to the death penalty. Not because our stellar judicial system usually convicts the wrong person! No, because it's too humane. If someone commits a heinous crime and is found to be guilty by a jury of his peers, I say lock them up in a four by eight cell underground in a federal maximum security prison condemning them to eat prison food for the rest of their life and banning them from ever having another dram of single malt whisky. If that were me , I would be on my hands and knees begging for Russian justice, i.e., a single 45 caliber slug to the back of my skull. And speaking of the death penalty being too humane, don't forget the dead man walking gets to request a last meal. I would forgo the traditional four Burger King Whoppers with cheese, super sized fries and chocolate shake, so commonly requested , for an American dram ( nine fingers) of Macallan 1953. Yup, the year Tommy was born. I know there is still some left having visited Mecca and seeing a bottle in the Quaich Bar in the famous Craigellachie Hotel in the Speyside region of the Highlands of Scotland. Bottled at 49 years old, it has a garnet-to-ruby color. Iron and passion fruit aroma, alcohol soaked fruit cake, cherries and almond taste and a warm, spicy toasted oak finsih. Now that s a dram to die for!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy favors same sex marriage.

With the recent court ruling in California, people are no longer talking, they are shouting about same sex marriage. I for one, favor same sex marriages. Why shouldn't homosexuals be able to experience falling in love and the joy of marriage only to find out shortly thereafter that their beloved betrothed partner is no longer interested in sex, is into substance abuse, is probably a borderline psychotic and a shrew to live with? And why shouldn't homosexuals experience the adversarial nature of divorce court resulting in a legal decree insuring financial ruin to both parties and qauranteeing life long bitter feelings of hatred and strained personel relationships? Tommy says, "legalize same sex marriage or ban the institution of marriage all together." Level the playing field people. That settled, let's renew our vows and rejoice with a dram of Glenrothes Limited Edition 16 year old 43% bottled in 1957 with a wedding ban gold appearance, peach taste, and dried fruit and vanilla wedding cake finish. Until drink do us apart. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy talks blogo motivation.

Many people have asked, "Tommy, why start a blog?". "What was your motivation.?" Well, after endlessly hearing one "TV pundit" after another say, "I talk about it on my blog," like Laura Ingraham for example, I decided to start my own blog. In Ingraham's case, a child of privilege, graduate of Dartmouth University, and the University of Virginia Law School, worked for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas of the Anita Hill fame, (remember the sexual harassment testimony during the Senate confirmation hearings?) Ingraham went on to become a radio and TV personality always appearing with a large gold crucifix around her neck regardless of what top she is wearing, and STARTED A BLOG. Along the way she adopted a child and developed cancer, boo hoo. So for lack of a better reason, like the pundits, I can now say, " I talk about it on my blog." And speaking about blogging, let's talk about a dram of 53.43, Coal Ila, 114.6, 57.3%, bottled in 1999 with a pale gold greenish hue and delicate gold hyalinized appearance, smoke and peat taste and pipe tobacco and burnt toast finish. Hey, who put the pubic hair on the rim of my Glencairne glass? Now that's blogging! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy gets treated for frostbite.

Recently I went to my Dermatologist, an old friend and alpine skier from Poland, for treatment of a facial lesion that developed after being exposed to 60 mile an hour winds in negative 5 degree farenheit temperature while skiing in the Tetons. Marek took one look at the lesion and said, "no problem," in his thick eastern European accent as he reached for a canister of liquid nitrogen. Directing the nozzle at the lesion he expertly delivered aerosolized liquid nitrogen millimeters from my right eye freezing the affected area and causing an instant stinging seconds before my skin went numb and lifeless. Oh, so this is how single malt whisky must feel after dumping ice cubes into it! First an ice cold sting, then it goes numb draining and destroying the taste and essence of the malt. The moral of this piece is, don't freeze anything unless you want to destroy it's essence. Think about that as you enjoy a dram of Ben Nevis 10 year old with a bronze appearance, hard dark chocolate nose, Belgium dark chocolate and toffee flavor and cigar smoke finish, NEAT!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy revolutionizes anger management for the disgruntled employee.

After sitting through the work place anger management video for the umpteenth time as I was signing the attestation form stating that I understood the contents and will try harder to control my temper, a light bulb went off in my head! Instead of the same old anger management recommendations why not have a dram of single malt the next time you unload on some poor old incompetent co-worker/underling. I recommend an Auchentoshan 1973 29 year old sherry butt, No 793, 55.8 vol., pinkish red in color, peachy nose, fluffy, fruity taste, and nutty finish. This may be the best reason for an exception to the rule, No Alcohol in the Workplace, if there ever was one. And with a more effective anger management program in place, wouldn't it make sense to lift the oppressive, No Hand Guns in the Workplace Policy? If this doesn't improve your mood next time you go postal, nothing will. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy raises a unibrow.

This may raise a collective unibrow in the Muslim world but anyone remotely interested in the War on Terror should read the book, Enemies At The Gate by Andrew Wheatcroft, dealing with the age-old and unending struggle between the Christian Faith and the vast, malevolent, dark power of Islam. And speaking of dark and powerful, why not poor yourself a dram of Ben Nevis 123.8, 61.9% 15 year old bottled in 1984 with a dark, rich, oily, mahogany appearance. So dark even a blind man could pick it out of a line up. Too bad it's no longer available for purchase. I think I have the last remaining bottle in the world thanks to Paul Rossi losing a bet when he confidently held his bottle up and boldly said to me, "If you can identify this single malt it's yours." It was easier than snatching candy from an hydrocephalic newborn baby with it's one of a kind dark mahogany color. The nose is astringent with a aromatic burnt caramel taste and a 9/11 finish. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy says, "let them drink cake!"

Marie Antoinette allegedly famously said, " Qu'ils mangent de la Brioch, (Let them eat cake) shortly before her head was severed from her body by the Quillotine during the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution. At the time the French people were starving and were unable to even afford bread. Pondering this historic time in history, I couldn't help but think about the single malt whisky, Royal Lochnagar Rare Malts, 24 year old, distilled 1972 ,55.7 vol., with a royal gold color, fresh baked nose, spicy, sweet taste and cake dusted with cinnamon and nutmeg finish. Perhaps a better choice of words for the Queen would have been, "Let them drink cake," thus satiating the unruly mob and saving her pompous neck. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy responds to Patty O'Ds offer to buy a bottle of single malt.

Over vacation after we enjoyed a Glenmorangie original 10 year old single malt, Patty O'D offered to buy the next bottle. I responded, "No need," as I thought to myself, there is no way I'm going to let Patty O'D use my daughter's Martha's Vineyard gift certificate that I gave here for Christmas to buy me another bottle of single malt. Nobody puts baby in a corner. But if Patty O'D happens to see an interesting bottle at Binny's in Chicago, I say, "go for it.". Perhaps a Glenmorangie Nector d'Or additionally matured in a French wine barriques after a minimum of ten years in bourbon casks. Color lemon, nose wine fruits and spice, with a taste of lemons, custard, and gingerbread with a spicy and fruity finish. Now that's a dram! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's blog is an overnight success!

Yes it's true, Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musing Blog is an overnight success. I noticed I now have five followers, (granted all family members, but it's a start,) which is the same number of distinct flavors in the Bowmore Legend. The color is gold with a peat and smoke nose as expected of an Islay. On the palate there are five distinct flavors of leaves, ferns, peat, iron, and sweetness. The finish is sweet and salty. As the flavors open up in my mouth I anxiously awake comments from my followers, "The Following Maaltmen." Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy convinces his Irish son law that Scotch single malt whisky is the true Uisge Beatha, (aqua vitae.)

As we gathered on the upper deck at the lake house, Tommy expounded on the virtues of Scotch single malt whisky. Patty O'D no stranger to booze, was skeptical until Tommy uncorked a Glenmorangie Original 10 year old, 40 vol. with an antique gold color, floral, fruity, butterscotch and toffee nose, a nutty oranges and lemons taste, and a spicy finish. This was a crowd pleaser. Patty was sold on, but did not offer to buy more of this single malt! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman