Tommy Maaltman's tip on Homeland Security.

Ronny craps his pants and triggers the homeland security fertilizer alarm on a recent trip to Eastern Europe. World travelers, did you know that the TSA screens for fertilizer residue prior to boarding an airplane? Fertilizer, high in nitrogen content, is a key ingredient in terrorist's home made bombs and triggers alarms at the airport. On a recent trip to Krakow, Poland, alarms went off when Ronny tried to pass security. He says it was due to walking in his yard after Tru-Green fertilized his lawn. The Maltman knows better! Oops! Embarrassing? Well let's all settle down with a dram of Isle of Jura 16 year old, 40 vol., with a dark gold to bronze color, a freshly chopped pine tree nose, orange and buttered scones taste and salty finish. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's Thanksgiving thoughts.

Today is Thanksgiving and it is time to pause, take time to reflect back and give thanks to that very special dram of Scotch single malt whisky that makes life worth living. For me it's clearly The Macallan 12 year old 43 vol. With it's characteristic amber color, sherry, honey and flowery nose, full flowery smooth body and rounded finish. It reminds me of sweet Jilli! Happy Thanksgiving. Slainte Pilgrims, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman gets fondled.

The last time I was fondled by the Feds while standing in an airport security line, my special nail clipper, given to me by a pharmaceutical representative twenty years ago, was confiscated. Boy have times changed! Pharmaceutical reps are no long allowed to give small marketing tokens for fear of corrupting the physicians prescribing ethics and morals. On the other hand it is now legal and sanctioned for a TSA agent to grope your package! Next time I travel I plan on wearing a Berka which, due to the anti profiling policies, are hands off to the security personnel. I don't think it counts as cross dressing in case you are wondering. Speaking of hands off, did you know that the Dutch drink genever gin by bending over and with their mouth only tip the glass upward and swallow the shot of ice cold gin? Don't try this at home with your favorite cask strength single malt Scotch whisky especially if it is smoky and peaty like Ardbeg Airigh Nam Beist, 1990, 46 vol. with a straw color, peat nose, burning peat and seaweed taste, and bonfire smoke finish. A spilled drop or two might just set of the smoke alarms. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman on appeasement.

Today, Kim Jong-il of North Korea, the small Asian country with the starving populace, large army with 1.5 million soldiers armed with antiquated traditional weapons, and oh yeah, a nuclear arsenal that would make Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad weep with envy bombed the South Korean Island Yeonpyeong. And CCO O'bama's response could best be described as appeasement. Yes the almighty U S of A is making concessions to this world weakling. Maaltmen, I implore you to read Barbara Tuchman's book entitled The Guns of August describing how appeasement by the great powers in 1914 ended in a smoldering Europe leaving 9 million dead by 1918. And what did history teach us. Apparently nothing when Neville (Mr. Appeasement) Chamberlain signed the Munich Agreement in 1938 giving Adolph Hitler the green light to unleash world havoc by starting WWII resulting in the Holocaust, the first and only use so far of nuclear bombs and the death of 70 million people. Maaltmen, after reading The Guns of August, please read Bloodlands Europe between Hitler and Stalin by Timothy Snyder. Do they teach history at Columbia University and Harvard Law School? Frankly, I'm concerned. There will be no compromise in my single malt Scotch whisky selection tonight. I will not be appeased. I'm pouring a dram of Rarest of Rare, 29 year old Inveleven 45.5 %, with a cowardly yellow color, grapefruit, pear, and tobacco pipe smoky nose, rich and sweet taste, and a melon, pear and pepper spice finish. Sleep well tonight my children. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy "Louis L'Amour" Maaltman's Lassiter returns to The Hole in The Wall Saloon.

The feared lone gunman of Tommy Maaltman's Wild Wild West,named Lassiter, dressed all in dusty black leather, dismounted his steed Blaze after a day's worth of riding in the purple sage and stiffly kicked in the swinging doors of The Hole in The Wall Saloon. As he entered, the raucous crowd became deathly silent, the piano player stopped pounding the keys and the high pitched cackling laughter of the bar maids/ladies of the evening abruptly stopped. Lassiter's reputation preceded him by about two territories. When Lassiter turned to the toothless barkeep named Gums and with a desert parched voice croaked , "gimme a dram of your best cask strength single malt Scotch whisky," no one sniggered. Slowly, the derelicts and desperadoes cautiously approached the bar with their hands in clear view. Finally a brain damaged man named Lefty, paralyzed on one side after being kicked in the head by a mule said, "Mister, mind if we join ya?" Lassiter staring straight ahead, said to no one in particular, "Its still a free country, ain't it?" Gums carefully poured several drams of Lagavulin 12 year old Cask strength Special Release 57.8 vol. Blinded by habitually drinking methanol, Blackie "Lights Out" McGee blurted out, "What color is it?" All agreed to an unusual pale straw color made cloudy with the addition of a drop of water. Lefty said, "I may be teeched in the head but it smells like a gentle smoke." The man known as "The Gambler" dressed in a fine black suit, Homberg hat, and a rattle snake skull Bolo tie took a sip and said, " It tastes like digestive biscuits and Assam tea." The pock scar marked five day stubble of a bearded faced man with the jagged scar running down his right check disfiguring his grimacing mouth drained his dram and as he wiped his chin with his filthy grimy hand said, "It has a smoky, peaty, slightly fruity warm finish." Naturally it didn't show on Lassiter's face, but deep down inside, his cold, hard heart swelled a little bit with pride knowing that just maybe this impromptu single malt Scotch whisky tasting might in some small way improve the hideous lives of these wretched, worthless dregs of society and just maybe they would cultivate the experience of tasting fine expressions of Scotch single malt whisky and leave the mind deranging, liver putrefying, rot gut whiskey and rye alone. Lassiter slammed down two pieces of gold on the bar. Turning to walk out he said, "Gents, the drams are on me," knowing full well that he wasted his time, whisky, and money and thinking to himself, the men were lucky he left them alive! Slainte, partners, Tommy "Louis L'Amour" Maaltman

Ronny earns the title, "King of all Shots"

Tommy Maaltman crowns Ronny (Patriarch of the Korte Klan) "King of all Shots."

Who hasn't done shots? But Ronny tops us all with his patented 3 story "Drop Shot" of Vodka. Oh you haven't heard about this fête of alcohol skill? While vacationing in Krakow, Poland after a long day of sight seeing (we religiously knock off at 4:00 PM) Ronny told the Maaltman to go up to the CrakowDays room and " Pour me a shot of Vodka." Subserviently, I ran up three flights of stairs, poured a shot of Sobiesky Vodka and waited for Ronny, who never showed up! Somewhat concerned, I looked out the window for Ronny, who was last seen on the sidewalk three floors below, where I saw him waiting like a dog with his mouth wide open. Nothing more needed to be said. I tipped the shot glass over releasing the Vodka. Ronny expertly orally received the shot of Vodka without spilling a drop!!! You don't believe me? See the photo for yourself. (Currently going viral on the internet) Followers, don't try this at home. Instead pour a dram of The Balvenie Portwood 21 year old vol. 43 with a yellow gold appearance, mild Cognac, smoky, pipe tobacco nose, smooth honey tone taste and sweet old pipe mellow honey finish. The Balvenie Distillery is located in Banffshire (Dufftown) in the Grampian region of Northern Scotland and is now considered Scotland's Whisky capital eclipsing Cambletown. Rome was built on seven hills, Dufftown stands on seven stills. Slainte, Tom Maaltman.

Tommy Maaltman returns from Eastern Europe depressed, demoralized, and with a deep sense of responsibility.

Traveling to Eastern Europe with The Maaltmen was eye opening. Geographically, Poland, unfortunately is sandwiched between Germany and Russia. Historically, Nazis and Bolsheviks have not been the nice guys. When Germany signed the Nazi-Soviet Non Aggressioin Pact with Russia in 1939, Poland's fate was sealed and doomed. To quote Paul Harvey, "Now for the rest of the story." Human suffering of untold magnitude, starvation of millions of people, epic wartime cruelty, and genocide. Conservatives estimate that more than 26 million people died on the Eastern Front during WWII. Man's inhumanity to mankind, at it's worst. Eveyone must share in the blame. If only Tommy Maaltman started the blog tommymaaltman.blogspot.com (yet another shameless plug) earlier. Perhaps some of those mean spirited, nasty little men we call world leaders could have spent more time reading Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings, learning about and sampling fine single malts and less time trying to dominate the world. Sigh. But alas it would be at least another 50 years before Al Gore would invent the internet providing the Maaltman with the perfect medium for Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings. Not to mention that The Maaltman wasn't even born until 1953 the same year Josef Stalin died. Well, that's Aqua Vitae (water) under the bridge. And speaking of Aqua Vitae let's pour a dram of Springbank single malt Scotch 43 vol. with a bright orange color due to a first fill Oloroso cask, coastal nose, salty, floral, somewhat fruity taste, and salty, dry as a bone finish like being trapped in a car after a wet walk with a dog. "Nazdrowie," To your health. Slainte , Tommy Maaltman