Tommy Maaltman is kicking butt, saving lives, taking names and promoting male breast cancer awareness.

Everybody is aware that women get breast cancer and men get prostate cancer. But did you know that men can get breast cancer too? I didn't think you did so in addition to having your prostate digitalized, (digital rectal exam) and checking your nads in the shower monthly, you should stand in front of a mirror, remove your bro, and self examine your man boobs. If you detect a lump, you should immediately contact your physician who will most likely order a manogram and schedule a biopsy. Which reminds me, do you know the difference between a Hematologist and a Urologist? One pricks your finger and the other one, well you know how it goes. Speaking of health, it has been scientifically documented that drinking responsibly is good for your heart so take heart and poor a dram of Scapa, an Orkney Island Scotch single malt, 64.5%, with a mid gold appearance, hand rolled tobacco, sea salt, and bitter chocolate taste and a brine and pepper finish. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings Blog. Here's to your health. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy apologizes to the Laura Ingrahams of the world, but thinks the rise in male alcoholism is related to the plethora of female pundits.

Earlier I wrote a piece on Laura Ingraham, the shrill voiced pundit on Fox Cable TV with the prominently displayed large gold cross uniform and kidded around about cancer. Cancer is nothing to joke about and for that I am sorry. More on cancer later. But seriously, why is it that all the females with an on air opinion are either morbidly obese, (Rosie, Oprah, Whoopie,) anorexic, (Anne Coulter, Laura Ingraham, in her case it may be the chemotherapy,) or tough on the eyes to look at with too much makeup and overly coiffed hair, (Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, etc., etc., etc.) Do these babes have a monopoly on female opinion? Why don't we see Hugh Heffner's Bunnies or Playmates or Penthouse Pets, or strippers for that matter on prime time TV with a point of view or photographed next to an op-ed piece in a major newspaper? I really think that the current list of "female pundits" has something to do with the epidemic of male alcoholism in the United States! Which brings me to the point. Gents, turn the TV off and responsibly enjoy a dram of Glenfiddich (pronounced like Dick) Ancient Reserve, 18 year old 40%. A full gold appearance, sweet neat taste, and soft peat finish. Now that's my opinion! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy opposes the death penalty, it's too humane.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Wait a minute, it's not that simple. Tommy is opposed to the death penalty. Not because our stellar judicial system usually convicts the wrong person! No, because it's too humane. If someone commits a heinous crime and is found to be guilty by a jury of his peers, I say lock them up in a four by eight cell underground in a federal maximum security prison condemning them to eat prison food for the rest of their life and banning them from ever having another dram of single malt whisky. If that were me , I would be on my hands and knees begging for Russian justice, i.e., a single 45 caliber slug to the back of my skull. And speaking of the death penalty being too humane, don't forget the dead man walking gets to request a last meal. I would forgo the traditional four Burger King Whoppers with cheese, super sized fries and chocolate shake, so commonly requested , for an American dram ( nine fingers) of Macallan 1953. Yup, the year Tommy was born. I know there is still some left having visited Mecca and seeing a bottle in the Quaich Bar in the famous Craigellachie Hotel in the Speyside region of the Highlands of Scotland. Bottled at 49 years old, it has a garnet-to-ruby color. Iron and passion fruit aroma, alcohol soaked fruit cake, cherries and almond taste and a warm, spicy toasted oak finsih. Now that s a dram to die for!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy favors same sex marriage.

With the recent court ruling in California, people are no longer talking, they are shouting about same sex marriage. I for one, favor same sex marriages. Why shouldn't homosexuals be able to experience falling in love and the joy of marriage only to find out shortly thereafter that their beloved betrothed partner is no longer interested in sex, is into substance abuse, is probably a borderline psychotic and a shrew to live with? And why shouldn't homosexuals experience the adversarial nature of divorce court resulting in a legal decree insuring financial ruin to both parties and qauranteeing life long bitter feelings of hatred and strained personel relationships? Tommy says, "legalize same sex marriage or ban the institution of marriage all together." Level the playing field people. That settled, let's renew our vows and rejoice with a dram of Glenrothes Limited Edition 16 year old 43% bottled in 1957 with a wedding ban gold appearance, peach taste, and dried fruit and vanilla wedding cake finish. Until drink do us apart. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy talks blogo motivation.

Many people have asked, "Tommy, why start a blog?". "What was your motivation.?" Well, after endlessly hearing one "TV pundit" after another say, "I talk about it on my blog," like Laura Ingraham for example, I decided to start my own blog. In Ingraham's case, a child of privilege, graduate of Dartmouth University, and the University of Virginia Law School, worked for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas of the Anita Hill fame, (remember the sexual harassment testimony during the Senate confirmation hearings?) Ingraham went on to become a radio and TV personality always appearing with a large gold crucifix around her neck regardless of what top she is wearing, and STARTED A BLOG. Along the way she adopted a child and developed cancer, boo hoo. So for lack of a better reason, like the pundits, I can now say, " I talk about it on my blog." And speaking about blogging, let's talk about a dram of 53.43, Coal Ila, 114.6, 57.3%, bottled in 1999 with a pale gold greenish hue and delicate gold hyalinized appearance, smoke and peat taste and pipe tobacco and burnt toast finish. Hey, who put the pubic hair on the rim of my Glencairne glass? Now that's blogging! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy gets treated for frostbite.

Recently I went to my Dermatologist, an old friend and alpine skier from Poland, for treatment of a facial lesion that developed after being exposed to 60 mile an hour winds in negative 5 degree farenheit temperature while skiing in the Tetons. Marek took one look at the lesion and said, "no problem," in his thick eastern European accent as he reached for a canister of liquid nitrogen. Directing the nozzle at the lesion he expertly delivered aerosolized liquid nitrogen millimeters from my right eye freezing the affected area and causing an instant stinging seconds before my skin went numb and lifeless. Oh, so this is how single malt whisky must feel after dumping ice cubes into it! First an ice cold sting, then it goes numb draining and destroying the taste and essence of the malt. The moral of this piece is, don't freeze anything unless you want to destroy it's essence. Think about that as you enjoy a dram of Ben Nevis 10 year old with a bronze appearance, hard dark chocolate nose, Belgium dark chocolate and toffee flavor and cigar smoke finish, NEAT!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy revolutionizes anger management for the disgruntled employee.

After sitting through the work place anger management video for the umpteenth time as I was signing the attestation form stating that I understood the contents and will try harder to control my temper, a light bulb went off in my head! Instead of the same old anger management recommendations why not have a dram of single malt the next time you unload on some poor old incompetent co-worker/underling. I recommend an Auchentoshan 1973 29 year old sherry butt, No 793, 55.8 vol., pinkish red in color, peachy nose, fluffy, fruity taste, and nutty finish. This may be the best reason for an exception to the rule, No Alcohol in the Workplace, if there ever was one. And with a more effective anger management program in place, wouldn't it make sense to lift the oppressive, No Hand Guns in the Workplace Policy? If this doesn't improve your mood next time you go postal, nothing will. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman