Tommy Maaltman goes to a Stag Party.

As I was watching President O'Bama on the television the other night, Tommy's better half, sweet Jilli said, "Tommy come here into the living room quickly." Thinking the old gal was feeling amourous I leaped from my seat where I was watching the TV and ran into the living room only to be told by Jilli, "Look out the window." To my surprise I saw a ten point buck being challenged by four or five six point, four point and button bucks, i.e., a bachelor or stag party. What a beautiful sight! But not as beautiful as the twelve point stag engraved on every bottle of Dalmore Scotch Single Malt Whisky. Legend has it that in 1263 King Alexander The III was hunting in Scotland and was nearly gored to death by a stag. An Archer of Clan MacKenzie saved the King's life with an expertly placed arrow through the animal's heart. Out of gratitude, the King granted the clan the right to have a Royal Stag's Head in their coat of arms. Every bottle of Dalmore Scotch Single Malt Whisky produced in this Speyside Distillery is adorned with the proud example of a twelve point stag. See for yourself. Purchase a Dalmore 21 43.0% with a deep amber color, caramel nose, chocolate, toffee, spice and dried fruit flavor, and a piercing fruit, pepper, and floral finish. A dram to slay for. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy gets serious and starts training for Jackson Hole.

As many of you know, The Maaltman goes to Jackson Hole in January. Serious training starts today. No, I'm not worried about the sub zero temperatures made worse by the gale force winds, the blinding white out haunticain blizzards resulting in disorientation and mountain madness, the high altitude oxygen deprived thin cardiac squeezing air producing altitude sickness with severe migraine cephalgia and insomnia or the hazardous , ungroomed mountain terrain with hidden obstacles capable of causing great bodily harm or sudden death. I'm training for the inevitable constant badgering, challenging, positioning and questioning of the Maaltman's knowledge that anyone on a pedestal expects. Granted my pedestal is the size of a grain of sand with eight followers of tommymaaltman.blogspot.com. I never the less take it seriously especially now with two documented responses. To meet the challenge, I pledge to taste two expressions of Scoth Single Malt Whisky every night leading up to the event and make extensive tasting notes. In deference to my liver and the fact that I have a family and a job, the tastings will be limited to "mini drams," 12.5 mls (one half the normal volume of Her Majesty's Royal Dram in the United Kingdom.) Let's start with a mini dram of Rosebank 12 year old Floral and Fauna 47 vol. with a limey yellow color, camomile nose, sweet floral taste and mint imperials finish and a mini dram of Rosebank 1981, Bottled 1997, Cask Strength Limited Bottling, 63.9 vol with a lemony yellow color, seductive aromatic nose, soft and smooth taste, and a faintly smoky finish. Two a days take a lot of hard work, concentration, dedication and commitment. That's what I'm all about. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Rick Rossi goes to New York City and blows it.....again!

After sweet Jilli personally secured tickets to the Mike Huckabee Show for Rick Rossi to attend, The Italian Stallion sat in the audience like a bump on a log and failed to ask either former Arkansas Govenor and failed presidential candidate Mike Huckabee or disgraced impeached former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich a relevant or poignant question! Granted he was competing for the host's attention with a packed audience of seven other people but The Maaltman would have handled the situation differently. Given the opportunity, I would have said, "Former disgraced and impeached Governor Blogo, what dram of Scotch Single Malt Whisky did you choose at the moment you realized you were being taped by the FBI throwing around the " F" bomb trying to hawk former Senator O'Bama's seat to the highest bidder? And heavyweight former governor of Arkansas and failed presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, " What dram of Scotch Single Malt Whisky did you choose the moment you realized that after successfully undergoing bariatric surgery your appetite was so big that you were able to overeat the gastrointestinal bypass and actually gain 30-50 pounds!?!?" Well we will never know but I might suggest to the gents a dram of Glen Mhor, 22 year old 61 vol with a shimmery illusive old gold color, fraudulently fresh mint and herbal nose, deceivingly light syrupy taste and coverup leaf and grassy finish. P.S. Apparently The Maaltman has been spelling Christyn Rosi's name wrong forever. Oops. Mea culpable. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman has a great idea and helps mankind.

Last time I checked, smoking was bad for your health so the thought of treating chronically and teminally ill patients with medical marijuana seems a bit incongruous. On the other hand, booze in moderation is good for your heart. Tommy Maaltman had a "light bulb moment." Why not start Scotch Single Malt Whisky Medical clinics for the chronic and terminally ill patient? You know, patients suffering from terminal cancer, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, sprained ankles, stuff like that. I could easily train health care providers to professionally screen for appropriate patients and to weed out the malingerers. With Electronic Medical Records (EMR) the health care provider wouldn't even have to touch the patient or be in the the same room for that matter. For example, how about this for the chronically constipated patient, a dram of Coal Ila 12 year old vol. 43 with a soothing Vintro verde color, soft juniper nose, medicinal body and a healing and nutritious finish. Now that will get things going. And remember, Primum non nocere, first do no harm. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman, pacifists and patriots.

"Love Wins," Wage Peace." Are you f***ing kidding me? In a life and death struggle with international terrorists I'm going with the highly trained and best equipped men and women of the United States Armed Forces backed with the largest nuclear arms arsenal in the world and anything and everything my Concealed Pistol Liscense (CPL) permit will allow me to carry. And speaking about packing a punch and carrying a big stick, how about a dram of Bruichladdich 10 year old 46 vol., with a bright camouflage Marine green color, Navy, sea air nose, effervescent Army gun powder taste and Airforce stealth surgical sharp strike finish. Semper Fi, M. F.er's. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy asks, " What's crazier, California lawsuits or Japanese cask strength single malts?"

Last spring, I was at a dead stop in four lanes of southbound traffic on California Highway 5 when I was rear ended by what turned out to be a pregnant illegal alien and her five year old child. Tommy always drives a large American made SUV when traveling so the collision impact felt like a nat flying into the back of my neck. Never the less, I jumped out of my vehicle risking my life to administer first aide to the other driver who went through the windshield of her foreign made mini sub compact ?smart? car. Fortunately her child was restrained and uninjured in the back seat. A call to 911 promptly brought a California Highway Patrolman to the scene two and one half hours later. He stated he would have been there sooner but the traffic was "horrible! " After thoroughly investigating the accident he sited and ticketed the illegal alien driver for a reckless moving violation and for driving at an unsafe speed for conditions resulting in vehicular damage and human bodily injury. Somehow driving while intoxicated and being in the country illegally were overlooked. Fortunately I was able to attend the Korte Meatball Contest, and depite being rattled and tired I was able to participate in the judging that evening. Several weeks later I was served with papers indicating that I was being sued for damages resulting from "said stated accident." It seems that the other driver who recklessly slammed into me while going through the windshield somehow suffered a whip lash injury and is now disabled and unable to perform her duties as a "domestic engineer" i.e cleaning woman at tax free cash wages. While recuperating from her injury she prematurely delivered her baby, a boy, who immediately upon poking his head through the birth canal was granted U.S. citizenship by Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer. Fortunately for him, since a stent in the newborn neonatal unit usually required for premature infants, typically runs $387,000.00 for uncomplicated cases. Being a U.S. citizen enables him to be eligible for medicaid. So I ask you what could be crazier? How about a great cask strength single malt produced in Japan? Don't be a snob, this is the real deal. For example, try a Yamazaki 18 year old, 43 vol. Deep amber color, leather and oranges nose, smokey citrus fruit flavor and long fruity finish. The sun will set on my lawsuit in the west, hopefully in my favor, but I am concentrating on the land of the rising sun in the far east and looking forward to sampling many more great cask strength Japanese single malts. Kanpai, (Slainte) Tommy Maaltman

Professor Tommy Maaltman's Anatomy 101 Class.

"Good morning class. Good morning Professor Maaltman. Today we are going to discuss the anatomy of the human tongue. To start, draw a large U on your note paper. Oh I'm sorry I forgot you don't carry note paper or pencils anymore. Well anyway this would represent the human tongue. Now the tongue has many purposes, (nervous giggles are heard throughout the auditorium) but we are going to concentrate on the sensation, perception, and experience of taste, one of the five senses humans possess. Taste and smell are the result of chemoreceptors and go hand in hand and when we taste we are mostly smelling. The tongue provides us with four tastes, sweet, sour, salt, and bitter. We taste sweet from the tip of our tongue. On the side of our tongue we taste salt. Sour is tasted on either side of the rear of our tongue. Bitter is tasted at the base of the tongue. Class, with your imaginary colored pencils label your imaginary diagram of the human tongue on your note paper with the various areas of taste. Our little friends the taste buds, (almost 9000 of them,) are responsible for sending nerve impulses to the brain after coming in contact with the foodstuffs. The center of the tongue is relatively devoid of taste buds which is why to experience taste to the fullest you must roll the substance around over the surface of the tongue. Now tonight's assignment, (groans erupt from the auditorium,) will involve putting what we learned today in the classroom to practical use. Pour a dram of Laphroaig 10 year old, cask strength, 57.3 vol., gold color, tarry nose, seaweed and salt taste with a briny finish and compare it to a Glenmorangie 18 year old, 43% pale yellow gold appearance, overwhelming sweet nose, fruity taste and floral finish employing your new anatomical knowledge to your tasting experience. And don't forget to nose! " Before the Professor could say, "class dismissed," there was a stampede of students from the lecture hall. Later that evening the Professor put his feet up and relaxed with the assignment drams and sighed to himself, "Isn't tenure great!" Slainte, Tommy Maaltman