Tommymaaltman.blogspot.com continues to grow and exceeds all expectations.

Many years ago tommymaaltman.blogspot.com was a little voice in cyberspace. Now look at it!!! Eight followers and three published comments. Could anyone ever have predicted this level of success? To celebrate this phenonenom let's each pour a favorite dram this evening. I'll not critique this one. I'm taking the rest of the year off. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year followers. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's Wild, Wild, West. Lassiter meets the Gambler.

Kicking in the swinging doors of The Hole in the Wall Saloon, Lassiter knocked out the rotten two front teeth of the poor drunk standing too close on the other side. He scanned the room with his steely grey eyes and instantly there was stone cold silence. His face was as rough as the land he rode over and as dry as the floor of Death valley Desert. Dressed all in black leather with a day's ride worth of dust and grit, Lassiter walked to the round table where sitting with his back to the wall was the Gambler dressed in a fine black suit, Homburg hat, rattle snake skull Bolo tie and fine linen shirt, waiting to cheat some poor bastard out of his last two cents. Lassiter sat down across from the Gambler and said, "Its time someone taught you a lesson." Glancing at the toothless unshaven barkeep named, "Gums" Lassiter didn't have to say a word. He knew to bring him a bottle of the house's finest cask strength single malt Scotch whisky and two glasses. The Gambler started to shuffle his stacked deck of marked cards and as Lassiter cut the deck said, "How about all or nothing 5 card draw?'" Lassiter nodded, the cards were dealt and the Gambler's fate was sealed. Lassiter's discarded two cards and was dealt two more. The Gambler discarded one card and drew another. The Gambler said to Lassiter, " Show em," and Lassiter laid down his cards face up on the table showing a full house, Kings over Queens. After a poignant pause, the Gambler looked Lassiter in the eyes and said, "Too bad," as he laid his cards down on the table showing four aces and a Jack. Lassiter looked at the four aces and then into the Gambler's black eyes and said, "Turn over the rest of the deck so we all can see em." A single drop of perspiration appeared on the Gambler's ashen forehead. Seconds after the cards were all turned over showing several more aces at the bottom of the deck, Lassiter drew his 44 Magnum and squeezed the trigger sending a 246 GR lead round nose slug directly through the Gambler's black hardened heart. The Gambler fell back over in his chair and was dead before he hit the ground. All the eye witnesses in The Hole in the Wall agreed, he was a no good cheating scum bag and he was killed in self defense although the Gambler's gun was never found. Lassiter asked for several more glasses and poured all the eye witnesses a dram of Teaninich cask strength single malt whisky, 106.7, 61% with a deathly pale yellow color, strong wet cement nose, undertaker's phenol and grey tea taste, and powerful explosive gunpowder finish. Later that day the Gambler's body was dumped unceremoniously in an unmarked grave on Boot Hill. May he rest in peace. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy "Chicken Little" Maaltman screams, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

What's all the fuss about building a Mosque on the sacred grounds of 911 in lower Manhattan? I urge you to turn your attention to a more pressing concern. Tommy has it by good authority that the Flying Buttresses of Notre Dame de Paris Cathedral are disintegrating and the famous landmark will soon collapse into a pile of rubble. Tommy says that before this happens, to the Master Builder's chagrin, let's tear down the old gal and replace it with a white clapboard and red brick Christian Reformed Church! Out with the olde Kirk and in with the new Kirk. Sure some will argue that the old cathedral has special sentimental meaning to certain people. But with 1.7 percent of Europeans attending mass on a regular basis, they will get over it. Moreover, the new Christian Reformed Church will be open to everybody as long as you are willing to give up dancing and watching TV on Sundays. And while you are not dancing and watching TV on Sundays, why not enjoy a dram of BenRinnes 15 year old Flora and Fauna single malt scotch whisky, 43 vol. with a communion red dark brown color, sherry and burnt toffee nose, licorice and anise taste and a satisfying, soothing, spiritual finish. Amen brother. Slainte, chirp, chirp, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman loves Richard Milhouse Nixon.

Tommy Maaltman loves Richard Milhouse Nixon, but not in a homosexual way! In the early 70's I was a physically fit pre med student with a low draft lottery number and the Viet Nam war was raging. Having successfully passed my induction physical I was told to go home and wait for "The Call." As a young man, with no sense of mortality I was excited and anxiously awaited to be drafted into the United States Army. The call never came. President Nixon expertly and diplomatically ended this tragic war. The Maaltman finished pre med studies and started medical school uninterrupted and alive. Here's to you Mr. President. Let's toast Richard Milhouse Nixon with a dram of Glenfiddich ( pronounced with a DICK,) 21 year old, Gran Reserva, vol. 40 with an apricot color, chocolate nose, sweet Cuban coffee taste and juicy fruity finish. RMN is no crook in my book. Be sure to visit the presidential museum in Yorba Linda, California and pick up the most recent biography A Life in Full Richard M. Nixon by Conrad Black. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman on great pardons in history.

God forgave the Jews when his son Jesus dying on the cross said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Archduchess of Austria, Maria Theresa pardoned General Wallis and General Neipperg for their lackluster performance in the Hapsburg and Ottoman Battle for Europe. Gerald R. Ford pardoned Richard Milhouse Nixon thus ending the "Nations nightmare." Why should Tommy Maaltman pardon the Macallan Distillery for their less than stellar line of the Fine Oak Range of Scotch single malt whisky? Being a big fan of the Oloroso Butts Sherry cask aged Macallan, I often wonder, What was the thought process in coming out with the Fine Oak Range aged in Bourbon oak barrels? I may be too critical but try a dram of The Macallan Fine Oak 10 year old 40 vol. with a golden honey color, gentle clean barley nose, fresh clean fruit and spice taste and balanced finish. Compared to the many other fine Macallan choices of various ages, I think it's lacking. But if somebody said, "Tommy, would you like another dram of The Macallan Fine Oak 10 year old?" I would say, "Yes please!" Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's tip on Homeland Security.

Ronny craps his pants and triggers the homeland security fertilizer alarm on a recent trip to Eastern Europe. World travelers, did you know that the TSA screens for fertilizer residue prior to boarding an airplane? Fertilizer, high in nitrogen content, is a key ingredient in terrorist's home made bombs and triggers alarms at the airport. On a recent trip to Krakow, Poland, alarms went off when Ronny tried to pass security. He says it was due to walking in his yard after Tru-Green fertilized his lawn. The Maltman knows better! Oops! Embarrassing? Well let's all settle down with a dram of Isle of Jura 16 year old, 40 vol., with a dark gold to bronze color, a freshly chopped pine tree nose, orange and buttered scones taste and salty finish. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman's Thanksgiving thoughts.

Today is Thanksgiving and it is time to pause, take time to reflect back and give thanks to that very special dram of Scotch single malt whisky that makes life worth living. For me it's clearly The Macallan 12 year old 43 vol. With it's characteristic amber color, sherry, honey and flowery nose, full flowery smooth body and rounded finish. It reminds me of sweet Jilli! Happy Thanksgiving. Slainte Pilgrims, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman gets fondled.

The last time I was fondled by the Feds while standing in an airport security line, my special nail clipper, given to me by a pharmaceutical representative twenty years ago, was confiscated. Boy have times changed! Pharmaceutical reps are no long allowed to give small marketing tokens for fear of corrupting the physicians prescribing ethics and morals. On the other hand it is now legal and sanctioned for a TSA agent to grope your package! Next time I travel I plan on wearing a Berka which, due to the anti profiling policies, are hands off to the security personnel. I don't think it counts as cross dressing in case you are wondering. Speaking of hands off, did you know that the Dutch drink genever gin by bending over and with their mouth only tip the glass upward and swallow the shot of ice cold gin? Don't try this at home with your favorite cask strength single malt Scotch whisky especially if it is smoky and peaty like Ardbeg Airigh Nam Beist, 1990, 46 vol. with a straw color, peat nose, burning peat and seaweed taste, and bonfire smoke finish. A spilled drop or two might just set of the smoke alarms. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman on appeasement.

Today, Kim Jong-il of North Korea, the small Asian country with the starving populace, large army with 1.5 million soldiers armed with antiquated traditional weapons, and oh yeah, a nuclear arsenal that would make Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad weep with envy bombed the South Korean Island Yeonpyeong. And CCO O'bama's response could best be described as appeasement. Yes the almighty U S of A is making concessions to this world weakling. Maaltmen, I implore you to read Barbara Tuchman's book entitled The Guns of August describing how appeasement by the great powers in 1914 ended in a smoldering Europe leaving 9 million dead by 1918. And what did history teach us. Apparently nothing when Neville (Mr. Appeasement) Chamberlain signed the Munich Agreement in 1938 giving Adolph Hitler the green light to unleash world havoc by starting WWII resulting in the Holocaust, the first and only use so far of nuclear bombs and the death of 70 million people. Maaltmen, after reading The Guns of August, please read Bloodlands Europe between Hitler and Stalin by Timothy Snyder. Do they teach history at Columbia University and Harvard Law School? Frankly, I'm concerned. There will be no compromise in my single malt Scotch whisky selection tonight. I will not be appeased. I'm pouring a dram of Rarest of Rare, 29 year old Inveleven 45.5 %, with a cowardly yellow color, grapefruit, pear, and tobacco pipe smoky nose, rich and sweet taste, and a melon, pear and pepper spice finish. Sleep well tonight my children. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy "Louis L'Amour" Maaltman's Lassiter returns to The Hole in The Wall Saloon.

The feared lone gunman of Tommy Maaltman's Wild Wild West,named Lassiter, dressed all in dusty black leather, dismounted his steed Blaze after a day's worth of riding in the purple sage and stiffly kicked in the swinging doors of The Hole in The Wall Saloon. As he entered, the raucous crowd became deathly silent, the piano player stopped pounding the keys and the high pitched cackling laughter of the bar maids/ladies of the evening abruptly stopped. Lassiter's reputation preceded him by about two territories. When Lassiter turned to the toothless barkeep named Gums and with a desert parched voice croaked , "gimme a dram of your best cask strength single malt Scotch whisky," no one sniggered. Slowly, the derelicts and desperadoes cautiously approached the bar with their hands in clear view. Finally a brain damaged man named Lefty, paralyzed on one side after being kicked in the head by a mule said, "Mister, mind if we join ya?" Lassiter staring straight ahead, said to no one in particular, "Its still a free country, ain't it?" Gums carefully poured several drams of Lagavulin 12 year old Cask strength Special Release 57.8 vol. Blinded by habitually drinking methanol, Blackie "Lights Out" McGee blurted out, "What color is it?" All agreed to an unusual pale straw color made cloudy with the addition of a drop of water. Lefty said, "I may be teeched in the head but it smells like a gentle smoke." The man known as "The Gambler" dressed in a fine black suit, Homberg hat, and a rattle snake skull Bolo tie took a sip and said, " It tastes like digestive biscuits and Assam tea." The pock scar marked five day stubble of a bearded faced man with the jagged scar running down his right check disfiguring his grimacing mouth drained his dram and as he wiped his chin with his filthy grimy hand said, "It has a smoky, peaty, slightly fruity warm finish." Naturally it didn't show on Lassiter's face, but deep down inside, his cold, hard heart swelled a little bit with pride knowing that just maybe this impromptu single malt Scotch whisky tasting might in some small way improve the hideous lives of these wretched, worthless dregs of society and just maybe they would cultivate the experience of tasting fine expressions of Scotch single malt whisky and leave the mind deranging, liver putrefying, rot gut whiskey and rye alone. Lassiter slammed down two pieces of gold on the bar. Turning to walk out he said, "Gents, the drams are on me," knowing full well that he wasted his time, whisky, and money and thinking to himself, the men were lucky he left them alive! Slainte, partners, Tommy "Louis L'Amour" Maaltman

Ronny earns the title, "King of all Shots"

Tommy Maaltman crowns Ronny (Patriarch of the Korte Klan) "King of all Shots."

Who hasn't done shots? But Ronny tops us all with his patented 3 story "Drop Shot" of Vodka. Oh you haven't heard about this fête of alcohol skill? While vacationing in Krakow, Poland after a long day of sight seeing (we religiously knock off at 4:00 PM) Ronny told the Maaltman to go up to the CrakowDays room and " Pour me a shot of Vodka." Subserviently, I ran up three flights of stairs, poured a shot of Sobiesky Vodka and waited for Ronny, who never showed up! Somewhat concerned, I looked out the window for Ronny, who was last seen on the sidewalk three floors below, where I saw him waiting like a dog with his mouth wide open. Nothing more needed to be said. I tipped the shot glass over releasing the Vodka. Ronny expertly orally received the shot of Vodka without spilling a drop!!! You don't believe me? See the photo for yourself. (Currently going viral on the internet) Followers, don't try this at home. Instead pour a dram of The Balvenie Portwood 21 year old vol. 43 with a yellow gold appearance, mild Cognac, smoky, pipe tobacco nose, smooth honey tone taste and sweet old pipe mellow honey finish. The Balvenie Distillery is located in Banffshire (Dufftown) in the Grampian region of Northern Scotland and is now considered Scotland's Whisky capital eclipsing Cambletown. Rome was built on seven hills, Dufftown stands on seven stills. Slainte, Tom Maaltman.

Tommy Maaltman returns from Eastern Europe depressed, demoralized, and with a deep sense of responsibility.

Traveling to Eastern Europe with The Maaltmen was eye opening. Geographically, Poland, unfortunately is sandwiched between Germany and Russia. Historically, Nazis and Bolsheviks have not been the nice guys. When Germany signed the Nazi-Soviet Non Aggressioin Pact with Russia in 1939, Poland's fate was sealed and doomed. To quote Paul Harvey, "Now for the rest of the story." Human suffering of untold magnitude, starvation of millions of people, epic wartime cruelty, and genocide. Conservatives estimate that more than 26 million people died on the Eastern Front during WWII. Man's inhumanity to mankind, at it's worst. Eveyone must share in the blame. If only Tommy Maaltman started the blog tommymaaltman.blogspot.com (yet another shameless plug) earlier. Perhaps some of those mean spirited, nasty little men we call world leaders could have spent more time reading Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings, learning about and sampling fine single malts and less time trying to dominate the world. Sigh. But alas it would be at least another 50 years before Al Gore would invent the internet providing the Maaltman with the perfect medium for Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings. Not to mention that The Maaltman wasn't even born until 1953 the same year Josef Stalin died. Well, that's Aqua Vitae (water) under the bridge. And speaking of Aqua Vitae let's pour a dram of Springbank single malt Scotch 43 vol. with a bright orange color due to a first fill Oloroso cask, coastal nose, salty, floral, somewhat fruity taste, and salty, dry as a bone finish like being trapped in a car after a wet walk with a dog. "Nazdrowie," To your health. Slainte , Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman goes to Krakow, Poland and has a brief fling with Aqua Vitae's Eastern European cousin Vodka

Tommy Maaltman is a non discriminating, equal opportunity, affirmative action imbiber of spirits. So, I was excited to sample numerous expressions of Vodka while visiting Krakow, Poland with the traveling Bros, i.e., the Maaltmen. The dreary ovecast sky, depressed economy , worst health care system in Europe, Zombie like expressionless people, close proximity to Auschwitz, lasting effects of Communism, and Poland's history of being mercilessly crushed by uber powers, i.e., Naziism and Bolshivism made for some downer days. But fortunately after a day of sightseeing the boys returned to our Bed and Breakfast, The CrakowHouse, to lift our spirits with spirits. While in Poland you drink, what else?, Vodka! Pronounced, Wodka. Attention tommymaaltman.blogspot.com followers (another shameless plug) forget about Grey Goose, Belvedere, Absolute, Ketel One, etc., etc., etc. For 30 Zlotych (10 US Dollars) you can get 750 ml of Sobieski, named after the famous Polish King and war hero of the Seige of Vienna. Never mind descriptive adjectives such as peaty, smoky, phenol, floral and fruity. Vodka smells and tastes like rubbing alcohol. Add the adjective smooth, and you are good to go. I liked it and so far I haven't gone blind!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman, Lesbians and a smoky Speyside!

Tommy Maaltman poses two significant questions: 1) Are all female motorcyclists lesbians? 2) Are all Speyside single malt Scotch whiskies sweet, fruity and floral? The answer is, I don't know and no. There is one Speyside Scotch single malt whisky that, believe it or not, was made to have a strong smoke and peat flavor that challenges those whiskies that are made in Islay. When the Maaltmen visited the BenRiach Distillery in Longmorn, Elgin, Morayshire in The Speyside Region of Scotland, Distillery Manager, Stewart Buchanon introduced us to the BenRiach Curiositas 40 vol. with a straw color, sooty peat and smoke nose, big soot and smoke taste that ignites in your mouth, and wet ash and peat finish. So jump on your motorcycles ladies and buy your man, er partner? A bottle of this anomaly. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy Maaltman speaks out on the unemployed and the homeless.

Sadly, it's true, one of the Maaltmen, Ricky, is unemployed and homeless. In these times of uncertainty, poor political leadership, civil unrest and financial crisis, rest assured Maaltmen that as long as Tommy Maaltman and the tommymaaltmanblogspot.com exists (shameless plug) I will provide a fine cask strength Scotch single malt dram to those in need. My philosophy simply stated is "If you are unemployed and homeless you might as well be drunk.". So here's to you Ricky, a dram of Caperdonach 46.8 vol. 38 year old Speyside, (no longer available,) with a dark gold color, nail polish remover nose, sweet floral orange blossom taste and smooth mellow worry free finish. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman goes to a Stag Party.

As I was watching President O'Bama on the television the other night, Tommy's better half, sweet Jilli said, "Tommy come here into the living room quickly." Thinking the old gal was feeling amourous I leaped from my seat where I was watching the TV and ran into the living room only to be told by Jilli, "Look out the window." To my surprise I saw a ten point buck being challenged by four or five six point, four point and button bucks, i.e., a bachelor or stag party. What a beautiful sight! But not as beautiful as the twelve point stag engraved on every bottle of Dalmore Scotch Single Malt Whisky. Legend has it that in 1263 King Alexander The III was hunting in Scotland and was nearly gored to death by a stag. An Archer of Clan MacKenzie saved the King's life with an expertly placed arrow through the animal's heart. Out of gratitude, the King granted the clan the right to have a Royal Stag's Head in their coat of arms. Every bottle of Dalmore Scotch Single Malt Whisky produced in this Speyside Distillery is adorned with the proud example of a twelve point stag. See for yourself. Purchase a Dalmore 21 43.0% with a deep amber color, caramel nose, chocolate, toffee, spice and dried fruit flavor, and a piercing fruit, pepper, and floral finish. A dram to slay for. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy gets serious and starts training for Jackson Hole.

As many of you know, The Maaltman goes to Jackson Hole in January. Serious training starts today. No, I'm not worried about the sub zero temperatures made worse by the gale force winds, the blinding white out haunticain blizzards resulting in disorientation and mountain madness, the high altitude oxygen deprived thin cardiac squeezing air producing altitude sickness with severe migraine cephalgia and insomnia or the hazardous , ungroomed mountain terrain with hidden obstacles capable of causing great bodily harm or sudden death. I'm training for the inevitable constant badgering, challenging, positioning and questioning of the Maaltman's knowledge that anyone on a pedestal expects. Granted my pedestal is the size of a grain of sand with eight followers of tommymaaltman.blogspot.com. I never the less take it seriously especially now with two documented responses. To meet the challenge, I pledge to taste two expressions of Scoth Single Malt Whisky every night leading up to the event and make extensive tasting notes. In deference to my liver and the fact that I have a family and a job, the tastings will be limited to "mini drams," 12.5 mls (one half the normal volume of Her Majesty's Royal Dram in the United Kingdom.) Let's start with a mini dram of Rosebank 12 year old Floral and Fauna 47 vol. with a limey yellow color, camomile nose, sweet floral taste and mint imperials finish and a mini dram of Rosebank 1981, Bottled 1997, Cask Strength Limited Bottling, 63.9 vol with a lemony yellow color, seductive aromatic nose, soft and smooth taste, and a faintly smoky finish. Two a days take a lot of hard work, concentration, dedication and commitment. That's what I'm all about. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Rick Rossi goes to New York City and blows it.....again!

After sweet Jilli personally secured tickets to the Mike Huckabee Show for Rick Rossi to attend, The Italian Stallion sat in the audience like a bump on a log and failed to ask either former Arkansas Govenor and failed presidential candidate Mike Huckabee or disgraced impeached former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich a relevant or poignant question! Granted he was competing for the host's attention with a packed audience of seven other people but The Maaltman would have handled the situation differently. Given the opportunity, I would have said, "Former disgraced and impeached Governor Blogo, what dram of Scotch Single Malt Whisky did you choose at the moment you realized you were being taped by the FBI throwing around the " F" bomb trying to hawk former Senator O'Bama's seat to the highest bidder? And heavyweight former governor of Arkansas and failed presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, " What dram of Scotch Single Malt Whisky did you choose the moment you realized that after successfully undergoing bariatric surgery your appetite was so big that you were able to overeat the gastrointestinal bypass and actually gain 30-50 pounds!?!?" Well we will never know but I might suggest to the gents a dram of Glen Mhor, 22 year old 61 vol with a shimmery illusive old gold color, fraudulently fresh mint and herbal nose, deceivingly light syrupy taste and coverup leaf and grassy finish. P.S. Apparently The Maaltman has been spelling Christyn Rosi's name wrong forever. Oops. Mea culpable. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman has a great idea and helps mankind.

Last time I checked, smoking was bad for your health so the thought of treating chronically and teminally ill patients with medical marijuana seems a bit incongruous. On the other hand, booze in moderation is good for your heart. Tommy Maaltman had a "light bulb moment." Why not start Scotch Single Malt Whisky Medical clinics for the chronic and terminally ill patient? You know, patients suffering from terminal cancer, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, sprained ankles, stuff like that. I could easily train health care providers to professionally screen for appropriate patients and to weed out the malingerers. With Electronic Medical Records (EMR) the health care provider wouldn't even have to touch the patient or be in the the same room for that matter. For example, how about this for the chronically constipated patient, a dram of Coal Ila 12 year old vol. 43 with a soothing Vintro verde color, soft juniper nose, medicinal body and a healing and nutritious finish. Now that will get things going. And remember, Primum non nocere, first do no harm. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Maaltman, pacifists and patriots.

"Love Wins," Wage Peace." Are you f***ing kidding me? In a life and death struggle with international terrorists I'm going with the highly trained and best equipped men and women of the United States Armed Forces backed with the largest nuclear arms arsenal in the world and anything and everything my Concealed Pistol Liscense (CPL) permit will allow me to carry. And speaking about packing a punch and carrying a big stick, how about a dram of Bruichladdich 10 year old 46 vol., with a bright camouflage Marine green color, Navy, sea air nose, effervescent Army gun powder taste and Airforce stealth surgical sharp strike finish. Semper Fi, M. F.er's. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy asks, " What's crazier, California lawsuits or Japanese cask strength single malts?"

Last spring, I was at a dead stop in four lanes of southbound traffic on California Highway 5 when I was rear ended by what turned out to be a pregnant illegal alien and her five year old child. Tommy always drives a large American made SUV when traveling so the collision impact felt like a nat flying into the back of my neck. Never the less, I jumped out of my vehicle risking my life to administer first aide to the other driver who went through the windshield of her foreign made mini sub compact ?smart? car. Fortunately her child was restrained and uninjured in the back seat. A call to 911 promptly brought a California Highway Patrolman to the scene two and one half hours later. He stated he would have been there sooner but the traffic was "horrible! " After thoroughly investigating the accident he sited and ticketed the illegal alien driver for a reckless moving violation and for driving at an unsafe speed for conditions resulting in vehicular damage and human bodily injury. Somehow driving while intoxicated and being in the country illegally were overlooked. Fortunately I was able to attend the Korte Meatball Contest, and depite being rattled and tired I was able to participate in the judging that evening. Several weeks later I was served with papers indicating that I was being sued for damages resulting from "said stated accident." It seems that the other driver who recklessly slammed into me while going through the windshield somehow suffered a whip lash injury and is now disabled and unable to perform her duties as a "domestic engineer" i.e cleaning woman at tax free cash wages. While recuperating from her injury she prematurely delivered her baby, a boy, who immediately upon poking his head through the birth canal was granted U.S. citizenship by Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer. Fortunately for him, since a stent in the newborn neonatal unit usually required for premature infants, typically runs $387,000.00 for uncomplicated cases. Being a U.S. citizen enables him to be eligible for medicaid. So I ask you what could be crazier? How about a great cask strength single malt produced in Japan? Don't be a snob, this is the real deal. For example, try a Yamazaki 18 year old, 43 vol. Deep amber color, leather and oranges nose, smokey citrus fruit flavor and long fruity finish. The sun will set on my lawsuit in the west, hopefully in my favor, but I am concentrating on the land of the rising sun in the far east and looking forward to sampling many more great cask strength Japanese single malts. Kanpai, (Slainte) Tommy Maaltman

Professor Tommy Maaltman's Anatomy 101 Class.

"Good morning class. Good morning Professor Maaltman. Today we are going to discuss the anatomy of the human tongue. To start, draw a large U on your note paper. Oh I'm sorry I forgot you don't carry note paper or pencils anymore. Well anyway this would represent the human tongue. Now the tongue has many purposes, (nervous giggles are heard throughout the auditorium) but we are going to concentrate on the sensation, perception, and experience of taste, one of the five senses humans possess. Taste and smell are the result of chemoreceptors and go hand in hand and when we taste we are mostly smelling. The tongue provides us with four tastes, sweet, sour, salt, and bitter. We taste sweet from the tip of our tongue. On the side of our tongue we taste salt. Sour is tasted on either side of the rear of our tongue. Bitter is tasted at the base of the tongue. Class, with your imaginary colored pencils label your imaginary diagram of the human tongue on your note paper with the various areas of taste. Our little friends the taste buds, (almost 9000 of them,) are responsible for sending nerve impulses to the brain after coming in contact with the foodstuffs. The center of the tongue is relatively devoid of taste buds which is why to experience taste to the fullest you must roll the substance around over the surface of the tongue. Now tonight's assignment, (groans erupt from the auditorium,) will involve putting what we learned today in the classroom to practical use. Pour a dram of Laphroaig 10 year old, cask strength, 57.3 vol., gold color, tarry nose, seaweed and salt taste with a briny finish and compare it to a Glenmorangie 18 year old, 43% pale yellow gold appearance, overwhelming sweet nose, fruity taste and floral finish employing your new anatomical knowledge to your tasting experience. And don't forget to nose! " Before the Professor could say, "class dismissed," there was a stampede of students from the lecture hall. Later that evening the Professor put his feet up and relaxed with the assignment drams and sighed to himself, "Isn't tenure great!" Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

The University of Michigan spanks Notre Dame for sins of their Fathers and Rick Rossi blows it.

Tommy (Bachelor of Science with High Distinction University of Michigan graduate, 1975,) relished in the Wolverine's win over Notre Dame this weekend but was disappointed when Rick Rossi, one of only three selected to ask Coach Kelly a question, meekly in a politically correct manner said, " Who served as a role model in your life?" The Maaltman would have, given the opportunity, asked a much more interesting and relevant question such as, "What Scotch single malt whisky most effected your coaching philosophy?" Well sadly we may never know but I suspect Coach may have replied, "That's easy, an Ardbeg "Lord of the Isles" 25 year old, 46 vol. The supreme expression of Ardbeg, with a full gold appearance, (like the helmets,) distant smoke of battle nose, silky, smooth, fruity taste and a very disappointing finish, like the team!" Go Blue, are we talking Heisman yet? Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy on investments.

Buy gold! Buy gold! I can't turn on the TV without some ex-con (Gordon Liddy) screaming these words. Last time I heard so much hype about buying gold was in 1979 when everybody drained their bank accounts and bought gold Krugerands for $873.00 an ounce only to find them worth $200.00 six months later. The only people getting rich in the gold market are the people selling gold and the con artists hawking it's virtue. I'm much too conservative. I say buy CD's. Not certificates of deposits. No, the type of CD that you pop in your Bose sound system as you sit down to enjoy your favorite dram of Scotch single malt whisky. And since we are talking investments and whisky, don't forget a superbly selected bottle of Scotch single malt whisky can also be a good investments as it ages. No silly, it doesn't get better after bottling, but as other people consume theirs, yours becomes more scarce and therefore more valuable. Remember in high school economics class when the teacher droned on and on about supply and demand? Whisky futures, there's gold in them thar hills! It's not so far fetched after all. My problem is that I would rather enjoy the single malt whisky that I purchased than to sell it to some dupe at a greatly inflated price for a profit. For example, I have several bottles of The Macallan 25 year old single malt. This whisky is amber red in color with a smokey nose, full body taste and dry complex finish. Sure I could sell what's left but to me it's priceless. So don't be a gold schmuck , drink it! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy says, "manly men drink manly whisky."

Did Mark Mcgwire, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa take steroids? Does the Pope s**t in the woods? Are bears catholic? You be the judge. But when it comes to performance enhanced whiskys, you have got to start in the steroid land of Islay, home of a manly man's dram. For example, the Ardbeg Supernova, 58.9 vol., pale gold color, blatant in your face damp soil, peat, smoke, tar, resin, muscular body nose, lively tobacco, peat and salt taste, with a long black pepper finish. Wow!!! The only other way to experience these flavors and smells is to sign on to a work crew of an asphalt paving company in the middle of a hot summer. A few drams of this will shrivel your testicles to the size of BBs. Yo, Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy says, "Get what you need."

Perhaps the great philosopher, humanitarian, artist and songwriter, Mick Jager, said it best, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need." Sure I'd like to exclusively drink Macallan 25 year old, Highland Park 30 year old, Bowmore 50 year old, etc., etc., etc. But unless you're a United States government employee you probably can't afford the 1000.00 dollar plus cost per bottle for these fine whiskys! So what do you do? You get what you need! A 20 dollar bottle of The Famous Grouse. A mature blended scotch whisky with a mid gold color. The nose is toffee and caramel with floral notes as expected when malts and grains are blended together. The peat comes from the Highland Park contribution. The finish is smooth and mellow. The Scots known to be frugal (cheap) have taken this blended whisky to their bosom (Scotland's biggest selling whisky) because this one won't ruffle the pocket book. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy, road racers, sissies and a jacked up man's dram.

OK, I wasn't going to return to the subject anymore but I just can't let it go. As I was enjoying my fourth double expresso on the drive into work last Saturday morning I passed several ?guys? training on their road bikes. I say ?guys? because I couldn't really tell what they were dressed in their one piece, synthetic material colorful graphic art singlets, aerodynamic color matched head gear with a hands free Camel Back water delivery system, cute little half cut stockinettes and what appeared to be ballerina slipper biking shoes. Has anyone else noticed the femininazatiion of road racing? And when was the last time one of these he-she pretty boys taken first place in the Tour de France or the Tour de Anything for that matter? I'll tell you when, NEVER! Not as long as the steroid road enraged cowboys from the West are in the game. No, Im not saying Lance Owens , the cancer survivor, super hero, took steroids, but he does bring a sense of "hard as nails" masculinity to the sport. And that's with only one testicle! As you know, Tommy rides a road bike. You may have seen me on a 40 miler wearing an old beat up pair of Patagonia baggy shorts, a dirty white Hanes T shirt, no socks and an ancient pair of cracked leather bike shoes. And no, I've never worn a Camel Back water system or even packed a bottle of water no matter how long the ride or how hot the day. I am content to "rehydrated" after I get home with a tall glass of tap water and a dram of my favorite scotch single malt whisky. And speaking of being jacked up on roids, let's return to my favorite region of Scotland, Islay, and enjoy a super charged dram of Ardbeg Uigeadail, 54.2 vol. With a pale gold color, smokey nose, hot alcohol explosion on the tongue and a true shocking to the system finish. Slainte, road ragers. Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy introduces Snoop Dogg to Uisge Beatha.

During a recent business meeting I got stranded in Detroit at the International Airport due to weather so I did what I always do and headed for the Delta Club Lounge for free booze. Low and behold Snoop Dogg and his posse had the same idea. Granted, Snoop Dogg's favorite refreshment is weed but since we were in a "No Smoking" lounge I introduced myself and offered to share a dram of my favorite refreshment, scotch whisky. To my surprise he had never heard of my Blog, Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings but never the less said, "sho.". So I went to the bar and returned with several glasses of Chivas Regal Blended Scotch Whisky. Snoop said, " Wha dis?" I patiently explained that it was uisge beatha, aqua vitae, i.e. Scotch malt whisky from Scotland. He said, "where dat?". I said that Scotland is a country over the big pond in northern Europe. Malt he knew but nothing East of Haarlem seemed to exist in the Dogg's world. Why don't you give it a nose and take a sip? I assured him I was not making fun of his nose as he took his first sip and said, "shawizzle, dis drizzle is nizzle." For those of you who are not bilingual I fortunately speak Ebonics and will translate. He said something to the affect, dis shit is good! Yes I replied, the color is a dark gold like Snoop's oversized bling, the nose is fruity, the taste is sweet and mellow and the finish is vanilla and caramel. "Now dis I can pimp." Snoop Dogg high fived me and I slipped him my card. As he was putting my card in the front pocket of his pants located about a foot below his knees I encourage him to follow my blog and learn more about Scotch malt whisky. As we departed he said, "Aye Dee Os my brother, next time the blunts are on me." I responded, Slaintezzle my man. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's Wild, Wild, West.

Having just read, Riders of the Purple Sage by Zane Grey and The Virginian: A Horseman of the Plains by Owen Wister I was inspired to think of days gone by. In the wild west of Tommy's world, I envision the sun drenched, dusty, parched, lone gunman named Lassiter, dressed all in black leather, kicking in the swinging doors of the saloon and walking up to toothless, unshaved bar keep and instead of saying, "gimme whiskey," croaking, "I'd like a dram of your best cask strength scotch single malt whisky, please." After a poignant deafening silence, all the derelicts and desperadoes in the bar burst out laughing as Lassiter slowly turns around and unloads two Colt 45 six shooters into the crowd silencing them forever. After the gun smoke clears, the gunman turns back to the barkeep who is now nervously but carefully measuring out 25 milliliters with a slight tremor of the best dram in the house, a Fettercairn 49.1%, 98.2 proof. The single malt does the job and quenches Lassiter's thirst with a hazy olive oil appearance, nutty, mossy nose, dried fruit and licorice taste and a once in a life time finish. Lassiter slaps a two bit gold piece on the bar, walks out the door, mounts his steed and rides off into the sunset. Slainte cowboys,Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy Maaltman is kicking butt, saving lives, taking names and promoting male breast cancer awareness.

Everybody is aware that women get breast cancer and men get prostate cancer. But did you know that men can get breast cancer too? I didn't think you did so in addition to having your prostate digitalized, (digital rectal exam) and checking your nads in the shower monthly, you should stand in front of a mirror, remove your bro, and self examine your man boobs. If you detect a lump, you should immediately contact your physician who will most likely order a manogram and schedule a biopsy. Which reminds me, do you know the difference between a Hematologist and a Urologist? One pricks your finger and the other one, well you know how it goes. Speaking of health, it has been scientifically documented that drinking responsibly is good for your heart so take heart and poor a dram of Scapa, an Orkney Island Scotch single malt, 64.5%, with a mid gold appearance, hand rolled tobacco, sea salt, and bitter chocolate taste and a brine and pepper finish. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musings Blog. Here's to your health. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy apologizes to the Laura Ingrahams of the world, but thinks the rise in male alcoholism is related to the plethora of female pundits.

Earlier I wrote a piece on Laura Ingraham, the shrill voiced pundit on Fox Cable TV with the prominently displayed large gold cross uniform and kidded around about cancer. Cancer is nothing to joke about and for that I am sorry. More on cancer later. But seriously, why is it that all the females with an on air opinion are either morbidly obese, (Rosie, Oprah, Whoopie,) anorexic, (Anne Coulter, Laura Ingraham, in her case it may be the chemotherapy,) or tough on the eyes to look at with too much makeup and overly coiffed hair, (Barbara Walters, Joy Behar, etc., etc., etc.) Do these babes have a monopoly on female opinion? Why don't we see Hugh Heffner's Bunnies or Playmates or Penthouse Pets, or strippers for that matter on prime time TV with a point of view or photographed next to an op-ed piece in a major newspaper? I really think that the current list of "female pundits" has something to do with the epidemic of male alcoholism in the United States! Which brings me to the point. Gents, turn the TV off and responsibly enjoy a dram of Glenfiddich (pronounced like Dick) Ancient Reserve, 18 year old 40%. A full gold appearance, sweet neat taste, and soft peat finish. Now that's my opinion! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy opposes the death penalty, it's too humane.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Wait a minute, it's not that simple. Tommy is opposed to the death penalty. Not because our stellar judicial system usually convicts the wrong person! No, because it's too humane. If someone commits a heinous crime and is found to be guilty by a jury of his peers, I say lock them up in a four by eight cell underground in a federal maximum security prison condemning them to eat prison food for the rest of their life and banning them from ever having another dram of single malt whisky. If that were me , I would be on my hands and knees begging for Russian justice, i.e., a single 45 caliber slug to the back of my skull. And speaking of the death penalty being too humane, don't forget the dead man walking gets to request a last meal. I would forgo the traditional four Burger King Whoppers with cheese, super sized fries and chocolate shake, so commonly requested , for an American dram ( nine fingers) of Macallan 1953. Yup, the year Tommy was born. I know there is still some left having visited Mecca and seeing a bottle in the Quaich Bar in the famous Craigellachie Hotel in the Speyside region of the Highlands of Scotland. Bottled at 49 years old, it has a garnet-to-ruby color. Iron and passion fruit aroma, alcohol soaked fruit cake, cherries and almond taste and a warm, spicy toasted oak finsih. Now that s a dram to die for!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy favors same sex marriage.

With the recent court ruling in California, people are no longer talking, they are shouting about same sex marriage. I for one, favor same sex marriages. Why shouldn't homosexuals be able to experience falling in love and the joy of marriage only to find out shortly thereafter that their beloved betrothed partner is no longer interested in sex, is into substance abuse, is probably a borderline psychotic and a shrew to live with? And why shouldn't homosexuals experience the adversarial nature of divorce court resulting in a legal decree insuring financial ruin to both parties and qauranteeing life long bitter feelings of hatred and strained personel relationships? Tommy says, "legalize same sex marriage or ban the institution of marriage all together." Level the playing field people. That settled, let's renew our vows and rejoice with a dram of Glenrothes Limited Edition 16 year old 43% bottled in 1957 with a wedding ban gold appearance, peach taste, and dried fruit and vanilla wedding cake finish. Until drink do us apart. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Tommy talks blogo motivation.

Many people have asked, "Tommy, why start a blog?". "What was your motivation.?" Well, after endlessly hearing one "TV pundit" after another say, "I talk about it on my blog," like Laura Ingraham for example, I decided to start my own blog. In Ingraham's case, a child of privilege, graduate of Dartmouth University, and the University of Virginia Law School, worked for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas of the Anita Hill fame, (remember the sexual harassment testimony during the Senate confirmation hearings?) Ingraham went on to become a radio and TV personality always appearing with a large gold crucifix around her neck regardless of what top she is wearing, and STARTED A BLOG. Along the way she adopted a child and developed cancer, boo hoo. So for lack of a better reason, like the pundits, I can now say, " I talk about it on my blog." And speaking about blogging, let's talk about a dram of 53.43, Coal Ila, 114.6, 57.3%, bottled in 1999 with a pale gold greenish hue and delicate gold hyalinized appearance, smoke and peat taste and pipe tobacco and burnt toast finish. Hey, who put the pubic hair on the rim of my Glencairne glass? Now that's blogging! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy gets treated for frostbite.

Recently I went to my Dermatologist, an old friend and alpine skier from Poland, for treatment of a facial lesion that developed after being exposed to 60 mile an hour winds in negative 5 degree farenheit temperature while skiing in the Tetons. Marek took one look at the lesion and said, "no problem," in his thick eastern European accent as he reached for a canister of liquid nitrogen. Directing the nozzle at the lesion he expertly delivered aerosolized liquid nitrogen millimeters from my right eye freezing the affected area and causing an instant stinging seconds before my skin went numb and lifeless. Oh, so this is how single malt whisky must feel after dumping ice cubes into it! First an ice cold sting, then it goes numb draining and destroying the taste and essence of the malt. The moral of this piece is, don't freeze anything unless you want to destroy it's essence. Think about that as you enjoy a dram of Ben Nevis 10 year old with a bronze appearance, hard dark chocolate nose, Belgium dark chocolate and toffee flavor and cigar smoke finish, NEAT!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy revolutionizes anger management for the disgruntled employee.

After sitting through the work place anger management video for the umpteenth time as I was signing the attestation form stating that I understood the contents and will try harder to control my temper, a light bulb went off in my head! Instead of the same old anger management recommendations why not have a dram of single malt the next time you unload on some poor old incompetent co-worker/underling. I recommend an Auchentoshan 1973 29 year old sherry butt, No 793, 55.8 vol., pinkish red in color, peachy nose, fluffy, fruity taste, and nutty finish. This may be the best reason for an exception to the rule, No Alcohol in the Workplace, if there ever was one. And with a more effective anger management program in place, wouldn't it make sense to lift the oppressive, No Hand Guns in the Workplace Policy? If this doesn't improve your mood next time you go postal, nothing will. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy raises a unibrow.

This may raise a collective unibrow in the Muslim world but anyone remotely interested in the War on Terror should read the book, Enemies At The Gate by Andrew Wheatcroft, dealing with the age-old and unending struggle between the Christian Faith and the vast, malevolent, dark power of Islam. And speaking of dark and powerful, why not poor yourself a dram of Ben Nevis 123.8, 61.9% 15 year old bottled in 1984 with a dark, rich, oily, mahogany appearance. So dark even a blind man could pick it out of a line up. Too bad it's no longer available for purchase. I think I have the last remaining bottle in the world thanks to Paul Rossi losing a bet when he confidently held his bottle up and boldly said to me, "If you can identify this single malt it's yours." It was easier than snatching candy from an hydrocephalic newborn baby with it's one of a kind dark mahogany color. The nose is astringent with a aromatic burnt caramel taste and a 9/11 finish. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy says, "let them drink cake!"

Marie Antoinette allegedly famously said, " Qu'ils mangent de la Brioch, (Let them eat cake) shortly before her head was severed from her body by the Quillotine during the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution. At the time the French people were starving and were unable to even afford bread. Pondering this historic time in history, I couldn't help but think about the single malt whisky, Royal Lochnagar Rare Malts, 24 year old, distilled 1972 ,55.7 vol., with a royal gold color, fresh baked nose, spicy, sweet taste and cake dusted with cinnamon and nutmeg finish. Perhaps a better choice of words for the Queen would have been, "Let them drink cake," thus satiating the unruly mob and saving her pompous neck. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy responds to Patty O'Ds offer to buy a bottle of single malt.

Over vacation after we enjoyed a Glenmorangie original 10 year old single malt, Patty O'D offered to buy the next bottle. I responded, "No need," as I thought to myself, there is no way I'm going to let Patty O'D use my daughter's Martha's Vineyard gift certificate that I gave here for Christmas to buy me another bottle of single malt. Nobody puts baby in a corner. But if Patty O'D happens to see an interesting bottle at Binny's in Chicago, I say, "go for it.". Perhaps a Glenmorangie Nector d'Or additionally matured in a French wine barriques after a minimum of ten years in bourbon casks. Color lemon, nose wine fruits and spice, with a taste of lemons, custard, and gingerbread with a spicy and fruity finish. Now that's a dram! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's blog is an overnight success!

Yes it's true, Tommy Maaltman's Malt Musing Blog is an overnight success. I noticed I now have five followers, (granted all family members, but it's a start,) which is the same number of distinct flavors in the Bowmore Legend. The color is gold with a peat and smoke nose as expected of an Islay. On the palate there are five distinct flavors of leaves, ferns, peat, iron, and sweetness. The finish is sweet and salty. As the flavors open up in my mouth I anxiously awake comments from my followers, "The Following Maaltmen." Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy convinces his Irish son law that Scotch single malt whisky is the true Uisge Beatha, (aqua vitae.)

As we gathered on the upper deck at the lake house, Tommy expounded on the virtues of Scotch single malt whisky. Patty O'D no stranger to booze, was skeptical until Tommy uncorked a Glenmorangie Original 10 year old, 40 vol. with an antique gold color, floral, fruity, butterscotch and toffee nose, a nutty oranges and lemons taste, and a spicy finish. This was a crowd pleaser. Patty was sold on, but did not offer to buy more of this single malt! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy says, "high tech, schmigh tech," simplify your life.

As I was riding my fifteen year old rock solid steel frame Eros, Bianchi road bike (Bianchi, green.) I was passed by a whirlwind pack of road bikers with their high tech carbon composite frame machines, synthetic one piece suits, aerodynamic helmets, Polar heart monitors and Global Positioning Systems. Further down the road, I passed and elderly man walking in a yellow Polo shirt, Bermuda shorts, canvas sneakers, listening to a 1960's vintage hand held transistor radio via a single earphone with an old dental mirror duck taped to the side frame of his thick glasses so he could see who was rapidly approaching from behind. Oh yeah, he was also wearing the biggest s*** eating grin on his old weathered face! Who is enjoying life more? High tech, schmigh tech. Sometimes the simple things in life are the best. For example, a Scotch single malt whisky distilled the same way for over 1300 years. Tonight, after an high stressed, high anxiety, wired day, unwind with a dram of The Balvenie, 15 year old. Pale gold, with an oak nose, cedar orange and pineapple taste with a peppery finish. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy takes the family on a leisurely sunset cruise in the Big Lake on the "Maaltley Crew."

Another breathtakingly beautiful day, 80 degree water temperature, and clear blue skies. The family and I boarded the "Maaltley Crew" for an anticipated spectacular sunset. While I have absolute respect for Mother Nature and would never take a chance with the family by imbibing while in command of the "Maaltley Crew," I couldn't help but wonder , wouldn't it be heaven on earth off the shore of Grand Heaven to enjoy a Port Ellen single malt as the sun sets into the Great Lake? The Port Ellen I had in mind is one I purchased several years ago, the 1979, 22 year old Limited Edition Numbered Bottles, first release 2001, 56.2 vol., unfortuneately no longer available. The color is green, a grassy, grainy nose, nutty, malty first taste and peaty, salty finish. As Captain of the "Maaltley Crew," I had to make an executive decision before the sunset, "we are going back to port," I commanded. The moans of protest and disappointment heard as we hastily made our way back to the marina with the sun setting to our backs were quickly assuaged with a dram of the Port Ellen once on shore in the dark. We missed the sunset but gained a dram of the Port Ellen. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's consternation turns to joy.

As I reluctantly reached into the "Honey Do" jar (after all I am on vacation) my feelings of consternation quickly turned to joy as I unfolded the little piece of paper to reveal the following list.

1. Renew membership to the Scotch Malt Whisky Society.

2. Sign up for the Scotch Malt Whisky Society President's Club enabling me to receive the Preisdent's Choice monthly and a 13th bonus bottle at Christmas.

3. Renew my subscription to the magazine, The Malt Advocate.

4. Renew my subscription to the magazine, Whisky.

5. Mow the grass.

Well, planning my day, I think I can accomplish four of the five chores. After all, I am on vacation.

Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy proposes "Two a Day" and introduces dram number/letter (10A and 10B) on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Often, I have heard professional athletes expound on the virtue and benefits of "Two a Day" as it relates to training sessions in preparation for a grueling season of competition. Why not apply this concept to the cocktail hour and the single malt whisky bucket list? Yes, two cocktail hours a day and two bucket list drams a day. Let's discuss a dram of Bruichladdich 10 year old Islay single malt whisky and a dram of Bunnahabhain 25 year old single malt whisky to complete the bucket list as 10A and 10B respectively. Let's start with the Bruichladdich, number/letter 10A on the single malt whisky bucket list. This Islay with a bright green appearance has a sea air flavor with salt, iodine, and seaweed notes. The grassy sweetness gently fades away into a subtle marine genre. I remember one Christmas day enjoying dram after dram as the kids viciously ripped into their presents. The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning reaching for a dram of Bunnahabhain 25 year old single malt Islay whisky, dram number/letter 10b, that I vaguely recalled my partner dropping off as a Christmas present. This bottle is accompanied by an Alder wood box lined with Hessian and closed with solid brass fittings. It is amber in color with a sherry nose. The first uncut taste is sweet, caramel, and oak. The finish is smokey nuts and malt with lingering oak spices as expected after 25 years soaking up the essence of an oak barrel. "Two a Day," two single malt whisky bucket list drams....double the pleasure. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy ponders the thought process behind the new Macallan's advertising campaign and discusses the Macallan 18 year old single malt. Dram 9.

Why is the Distillery, Macallan's new advertising campaign showing their beautiful elixirs in a whisky tumbler chocked full of ice cubes? Talk about slamming the door shut on the bouquet and flavor! OK maybe some whisky afficiandos enjoy an ice chilled dram once in a while, but seriously, as the temperature plunges so does the quality of the flavor, expoentially!!! I implore you to try a dram of Macallan 18 year old single malt whisky, dram number 9 on the single malt whisky bucket list...NEAT. This whisky is matured exclusively in selected sherry oak casks from Jerez, Spain. It has a rich dark brown sugar cane color that you would expect having been aged in a sherry cask but not the dark red mahogany of an old Ben Nevis. The uncut taste is dominated by dried fruits, spices, and a trace of chocolate with a background of northern spring feed mountain pure water. The finish is smooth and mellow and lends itself to total relaxation. So slam the door on your girlfriend, you wife, your kids, or your parents (saying goodbye to any possibility of an inheritance) but don't add ice to this dram slamming the door shut on this whisky. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's thoughts on federal excise tax, The Whiskey Rebellion of 1794 , and Bowmore 21 year old . Dram 8 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Let's talk about the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. The first test of our new nation's Federal Authority. When deeply in debt due to expenses incurred by capitalists over charging for shoddy war time supplies for the Revolutionary Army of the Colonies, the Feds came up with a novel idea. Let's tax the people where it hurts. We'll tax whiskey production! Thus a national policy was established. Recklessly run up debt, then tax the people to death. Well "the people" once again rebelled against this outrageous tax and humiliated the tax collectors with torture and by tar and feathering as they burned down their homesteads and offices like poor old John Neville and his slaves. Which brings me to the point of this piece, Bowmore 21 year old single malt whisky, dram number 8 on the single malt whisky bucket list. Unfortunately you can no longer purchase this whisky. It was given to me many years ago by a patient expressing his gratitude to me for saving his life. If you like the smell of pine oil, smoke and tar, you will love this whisky. Dark in appearance, this Islay ignites in your mouth delivering salt and more intense tar flavors. The finish makes your skin squirm with sweat and heat. The Whiskey Rebellion was squelched when Alexander Hamilton and George Washington assembled an army of over twelve thousand miltiamen and marched westward to establish a precedent. Tax, tax, tax, and then tax some more. But in this case the exquisite expression of a dram of Bowmore 21 year old single malt whisky overshadows the disgust you will feel when you pull out your billfold to pay for your whisky knowing full well that the good old United States government is pocketing a significant portion of the price. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

What do Fred MacMurray, Glenrothes Vintage 1987, and Tommy Maaltman have in common? Dram number 7 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Last night we watched the sun slip into the Great Lake resulting in a glorious sunset accompanied by the sound of the waves gently lapping up onto the sandy shore. Or was that sound the sound of my three sons enjoying drams of Glenrothes Vintage 1987 , dram number 7 on the single malt whiskey bucket list. Sometimes I feel like Fred MacMurray who played Steven Douglas, the widower father of the TV show "My Three Sons" (1960-1972) as I try to teach my boys about the finer things in life. But they didn't need any help or guidance when it comes to swilling the old man's single malt! The Glenrothes Vintage 1987, still available, holds a special place in my heart since one of my boys was born that year and on his 21st birthday I presented him with a bottle lovingly cradled in a wood box. Glenrothes Vintages 1984 and 1989 have a similar special meaning for me but are no longer available making me happy I did the same for my other two sons. The rich golden brown color makes this a very attractive malt visually to enjoy in the summer by the lake as the sun is setting. The taste is of sweet vanilla, lemon and ginger. The finish provides enough smoke and peat making a campfire unnecessary. In Michael Jackson's (the whisky epicurean not the pop culture icon) words, "The flavor metaphors evoke childhood, but this is a very adult sophisticated malt." Rest both of their soles. Michael Jackson the pop culture icon died trying to get a good night's sleep. Michael Jackson the whisky epicurean died battling the ravages of Parkinson's Disease. The sunset was heaven on earth, the whisky was heaven in a glass. The Jacksons are hopefully in the real heaven. I'll have just one more please. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy agrees with advice from the dean of an institution of higher learning, almost. Dram number 6 on the single malt whisky bucket list.

Dean Vernon Wormer summarizes Flounder's academic achievements in the great movie, Animal House, by saying, "Dorfman, fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son." But if you had to choose one, why not be drunk enjoying a dram or three of Highland Park 30 year old single malt whisky, dram number 6 on the single malt whisky bucket list. Distilled on the Island of Orkney in the North Sea where workers watched the German Nazi Navy scuttle their fleet towards the end of World War II against a brilliant sunset, this whisky is a beautiful reddish gold. The bouquet expresses thirty years of oak maturation with choclatey fudge. Uncut, there is nuttiness, toffee, and honey. The finish is sweet, unusual for an old whisky lingering idlely for thirty years in an oak barrel. While I encourage responsible drinking, and deplore drunkenness and debauchery, it will be hard to turn down another dram of this whisky if offered. Unfortunately, it may be difficuly acquiring this whisky as well as costly so be persistent. It's not over until the fat lady sings and remember nothing is over until we decide it's over. Don't forget Bluto's inspiring speech in the same classic movie when he said, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy pours from the butt. Dram number five from the single malt whisky bucket list.

I'm not sure what is enlarging the fastest, my liver, my bulbous nose , my expanding waist or the bouquet of a freshly poured dram of Aberlour18 year old cask strength single malt whisky, dram number 5 of the single malt whisky bucket list. Like all Aberlour whiskies, this one is double matured in an ex- sherry butt and an ex- bourbon oak cask making for a very complex nose of floral, fruit and sweets. I had the privilege of bottling my own while visiting the Aberlour Distillery located at the junction of the River Lour and River Spey in the Speyside region of the Highlands in Scotland during a recent visit in 2009. This cask strength whisky is both fruity and sweet like toffee and butterscotch candy. Towards the finish the oak wood emerges along with flavors of honey, peaches, apricot and oranges. A butt and a cask make for an interesting combination but don't try this one alone at home. It should be shared with someone special. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

The Three Stooges, Wimpee from the cartoon, Popeye, and dram number four on the single malt bucket list.

Remember when you were a kid after school watching the Popeye cartoon which aired immediately after thirty prime minutes of the Three Stooges (Larry, Curly, and Moe) when Wimpee would walk in and say, " I'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today." Well in a similar vein (probably a bulbous nose vein,) I'd gladly give my esophagus tomorrow for just one more dram of the Laphroaig Quarter Cask single malt whisky today, dram number four on the sinlge malt whisky bucket list. Yes my "Bro Ronny," this one's gonna hurt the old esophagus as it seers and burns it's way done this magnificent muscular tube before it plunges into the stomach exploding in all it's glory like the grand finale of a fireworks display on the Fourth of July. What's not to like about the strong phenol (peat reek,) formaldehyde, iodine and medicinal notes in the uncut first taste. It reminds me of being in the morgue of a hospital in the early fifties. With water, there is more peat and smoke emitted. Can't hide this one from the wife. Mine knows better now, but before when I would sneak a nip she thought I had just come in from burning leaves. As you enjoy a dram you begin to wonder, "Am I having a heart attack or is it just gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD?) Well pop a Nexium and relax and enjoy another dram, it's just GERD! Don't be a stooge and get out and try this dram soon. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Bobby D, Francis Ford Coppola, Colonel Kilgore and Tommy share a dram and some memories.

Do you remember Robert Duvall's stellar performance as Colonel Kilgore in Francis Ford Coppola's Classic movie, Apacolypse Now when he jumped out of an assault helicopter into a firey, smoke filled battle field and asked a medical corpsman attending to a dying grunt, "You smell that? Napalm son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. That gasoline smell. It smells like........VICTORY.". Well if you enjoy an explosive nose, you will love the Lagavulin 16 year old single malt, dram number 3 on the single malt whisky bucket list. It is the color of gasoline and just the appearance brings back fond memories of as a kid plastering your face up to the fuel nozzle as Dad pumps regular gasoline into the family Studebaker. Gunpowder, peat, smoke, and petroleum dominate this whisky uncut. With a splash of water the finish is on fire with a hot scorched earth effect. As Bobby D tears up when he said, "Son, someday this war is going to end!". Sadly, one day this bottle is going to be empty. But don't worry, like war, there will be plenty more in the future. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Dram number two on the single malt whisky bucket list.

I think it's safe to say, "They stopped the oil leak!!!". I'm returning to my favorite region of Scotland for an American dram ( five fingers) of the Mel Gibson of the Islays, an Ardbeg seven year old cask strength single malt, dram number two on the single malt bucket list. This whisky is wild, bombastic, caustic, unpredictable, and totally out of control with a strong smoked bologna casings taste and an oily, creosote finish. Like Mel, who is anti semetic, anti black, and anti wet back and who relates only to other white men who are infatuated with women with giant fake boobs and silicon injected lips, this dram is an equal opportunity offender of all senses and packs a powerful, "knock out your two front teeth," punch! Finally, when drinking Islays remember like Mel's philosophy when selecting a trophy girlfriend, younger is better. Now on a personal note, back in the Islays with the oil well capped, I can concentrate on the immigration problem. Let's keep the illegals out. But if one or two happen to slip through, let me know. I could use a lawn boy at home and a cabana boy at the lake house . Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy Reflects on the Past Week

As I sat down to relax after a long day of robotic surgery, I turned on my iPod and Bose only to hear Willie Nelson singing Whiskey River which reminded me of our magical time on the Spey River in the Highlands of Northern Scotland. Naturally I poured a Macallan which sits on the bank of the Spey across from Craigellichie and thoroughly enjoyed this thirty year old single malt. As I was transforming into total tranquility I altruistically thought to myself, "everybody should be able to enjoy this experience before they die." But if everybody did, there would be less for me so I decided to write about the ten drams to enjoy before you croak, i.e., the single malt whisky bucket list. In so doing, people can read about my experience instead of consuming the product thereby leaving more for people like you and me!

Dram number one, in no special order,The Macallan Thirty year old single malt. This costs over a thousand dollars per 750 mls. Don't worry, most of the others are cheaper! Thirty years in an oak barrel leaves this whisky with a serious woody. I mean seriously woody. There is a predominance of fruit and floral tastes with caramel, nuts and sweetness. Resinous and sulfurous undertones add respectfully to the background experience. A very fine whisky. Wish you were here.

Sláinte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy sees the light.

Last night, as the sun slipped into the water, sans the green flash, Jill and I noticed the faintest of a faint light down by the water's edge slowly and meticulously making it's way to our cottage steps. What was it? A wayward firefly? Perhaps a mirage? Something extraterrestrial? At first we thought we were seeing things, but as the light was almost upon us we could make out the forms of four people slowly progressing towards our cottage in the pitch dark illuminated by what appeared to be a small birthday cake candle. Low and behold, it was the very frugal Jimmy Lang and his family. Jimmy, an old friend and medical school classmate of mine, recently pulled a fast one on his aging and infirm parents and acquired the family cottage in Grand Haven, for a song. We decide to celebrate with a "Tour of Scotland," starting with a ten year old Glenkinchie, smooth, mellow, a sweet nectar even a baby would love. Next a ten year old Glen Morangie, sweet, fruity, with a taste of pink cotton candy. The nose was like grandma's purse on Sunday morning as she doled out penny candy to the children feigning interest in seeing grandma but really only greedily interested in getting as much candy as as they could get their grubby little hands on. Staying in the Highlands we had the Macallan twelve year old exclusively matured in select sherry oak casks from Jerez, Spain. What a magnificent color! By no means the mahogany color of a Ben Nevis, but spectacular in its own right. Rich and complex fruit, floral, sugary candy and black licorice. OK, enough of the girly drams. Jim and I were ready to move to the Islays. A fifteen year old Laphroaig with all it's powerful phenol and formaldehyde brought us back to our senses and reminded us of our days dissecting our cadaver as first year medical students. Were the tears in our eyes due to reminiscing or the caustic fumes billowing out of the Glen Cairne whisky glasses? Finally we had an eighteen year old Coal Ila with all it's peatiness. Speaking of peat, Jimmy's son Pete introduced us to his girlfriend . We all sighed a sigh of relief. He's not gay! In the wee morning hours the Langs left to go back to their cottage that I have appropriately named "The Windsong," (It sounds better than "The Land Grab" or "The Blitzkrieg,") illuminated by a fifteen million candle power rescue beacon I keep handy by the bedside. I finished the evening with a long swim into very deep water straight out into the lake in 82 degree water temperature illuminated only by the stars. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy sees the Green Flash.

Have you ever seen the Green Flash? I was asked the same question by my neighbor a retired physician and experienced ocean mariner as we were sitting on his deck sipping whisky and watching the sun set into Lake Michigan. I didn't know what he was talking about so he explained that under certain atmospheric conditions a green flash occurs for a brief moment just after the top of the sun slips beneath the water on the horizon. He had a feeling that the conditions where right. Sure enough, as the sky was turning a brilliant orange, perhaps showing support for the Dutch as they prepared for the finals of the World Cup, the sun sunk into the water and shortly thereafter we saw the green flash like a light bulb exploding inside a giant green Heineken bottle! It was spectacular but not as impressive as the 18 year old Glenlivet we were drinking. You probably recall the Glenlivet is only matured in oak barrels. The 18 year old is incredibly fruity with strong floral aromas. In addition, there is an abundance of caramel and nutty sweetness. A truly magnificent dram. I wouldn't go looking for one off the left coast of California. I've been told they don't occur in Cummunist states. But you might see a pink-o flash!!! Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Bumping uglies on the Gulf Coast during the Oil Spill of 2010.

What self respecting college kid is going to drive Daddy's car down to the Alabama Gulf Coast next spring to get drunk, smoke weed, watch wet T shirt contests and bump uglies with the locals.....soaked in oil? The answer, NO ONE!!!!!!! It's not a good time to be in the service industry along the Gulf Shore now or in the future on Day 68 of O'Bama's Chernobly! The dark cloud of sooty smoke has lifted over my head since I moved North to the Highlands for my tasting. Tonight I'm enjoying a 1.15 Glenfarclas, light, flowery, and fruity. A great breakfast dram. Wish you were here. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy wonders, Why don't we turn Herr Docktor Maximilien Aue loose on Brad Thor's terrorist?

Dear Dave, As the first sip of a nicely chilled 54.7 Aberlour from a sherry cask traverses my esophagus and rapidly diffused through my gastric mucus into my blood stream, thoughts of the days eight hour robotic cystectomy, radical prostatectomy, bilateral lymph node dissection and ileal conduit rapidly dissipate and I couldn't help but think that Herr Docktor Maximilien Aue seems to be a recurring theme in your emails. He appears to have a profound effect on you. Almost like a recurring bad nightmare. Perhaps the thought of him having his way with Brad Thor's nasty goat herders would be as soothing as the Aberlour is to me after a big day of surgery. By the way, you must try this Aberlour, a Speyside, Highlands. Very sweet and delicious chilled to a little cooler than I usually drink my whisky. Slainte, Tommy (very much missing the Islays) Maaltman

Chernobly, Obama, and the Carnival.

It's day 55 of O'Bama's Chernobyl, i.e., The Gulf (of Mexico) War. I am so distraught that I have made a major decision in my life. While this debacle continues I will no longer drink my beloved Islays. The taste of the Ocean, sea salts and their characteristic essences of creosote, tar, gasoline, kerosene, and oil remind me too much of how this disaster is being managed. Seriously, who drills for oil in over 5000 feet of hurricane churned water? Oh, we do because federal regulations prohibit drilling in shallow uninhabited lands we own. I realize as a U.S. Senator and CCO (Chief Community Organizer,) O'Bama is not responsible, but as my favorite rapper Fifty Cent would say, "***** please." Don't feel bad for me. I simply am moving north to the Highlands for all my whisky tasting for the time being. In fact as I write , I am enjoying a 9.2 Glen Grant cask strength single malt with a sweet floral and fruity nose, sugary presence and after taste of pink cotton candy. The kind I enjoyed as a kid served by a skinny sun damaged carney with a stingy long greasy mullet and black dirt under his fingernails. I sure am glad restaurant owners now have signs in their bathrooms saying, Restaurant Workers Are Required To Wash Their Hands After Going To The Bathroom. Perhaps with these delightful expressions of the Highland Whiskies I will be more able to clearly determine whose neck to put my boot to and whose ass to kick. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tar balls and a Presidential fly over in Air Force One

Week two and Jill is making slow but steady progress. Less pain, less numbness, and more range of motion. Which reminds me of the answer one of my favorite old patients used to say every time I asked him about his wife. "Oh, she's as ornery as ever!" I'm celebrating with a 1.153, Bowmore (Islay) with a distinctive sea salt taste of brine and an undercurrent of petroleum products. Come to think of it , most of my Islay's have a strong petroleum taste, almost as if someone sprinkled tar balls into my pristine whisky. I'm going to ask President Obama for a fly over in Air Force One at tax payers expense of course to check out the situation. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy's better half gets the knife as described in a letter to Brother Dave

Dear Dave, At the conclusion of a tough week and the beginning of a new one, I am sitting in the sun room at our house with your sister, my better half, sipping a cask strength 111.7 (Lagavulin, from Islay.). I chose wisely. The whisky expression was harsh, with a strong taste of iodine and antiseptic. It reminded me of the smell of Betadine, a surgical scrub soap swabbed on Jill's neck seconds before the business end of a stainless steel number 15 scalpel blade expertly plunged into her neck stopping a millimeter short of her spinal cord. I personally feel more comfortable in an operating room of a hospital than in most social settings. Especially, ones attended by JAG/kinder garden teacher whom I thought was quite rude in retrospect. Perhaps she saw my written critique of her meatballs. Seriously, who makes Mexican Italian meatballs? In any event, Jill's nerves are healing nicely and she should be 100% in a few weeks. Meanwhile I'll continue to soothe my neves with this fine whisky. Wish you were here. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman.

Community Organizers and historic parallels.

Several years ago an obscure minority became exceedingly facile in his ability as a community organizer. Through the years he rose through his party ranks to become leader of his country. As the leader he radically changed the course of a nation into one of socialism, collectivism and communism. Do you know who I am talking about? Some might say Barak Obama but I am actually referring to Josif Djugashvili, better known as Joseph Stalin! The similarities are uncanny. To settle my nerves I decided to have a very large dram of 22.28 (Glenkinchie) a Lowlands and the President's choice. No not Obama's, Allan Shane's. It pays to be in the President's club of the SMWS. The whisky was smooth, warm, mellow and had a taste of honey. Very easy to drink and enjoy. The perfect dram to calm things down when you get agitated. Let me know if you plan on visiting Michigan this summer. It's getting close to whisky tasting on the shores of Lake Michigan season. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Dentists, anesthesia, an Islay and Tommy remembers loosing his two front teeth.

While I was pondering the Time Square act of terrorism, I enjoyed a large dram of cask strength single malt from the Distillery, Bowmore, an Islay. If you have ever been anesthetized with ether, you will never forget the sickening smell of old rubber and phenol as you drift off into a disturbed sleep. That is exactly what the dram tastes like when cut with a few drops of water. It reminded me of when I was three or four and was administered ether by an old alcoholic dentist with a severe Parkinson's tremor prior to pulling out my two front teeth. It brought back fond memories of being asked mockingly at Christmas time, Tommy will you sing All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth?, until the permanant ones finally grew in several years later. As you know, I am a big fan of the Islays, but I must admit not Dentists, and this was a remarkable whisky. With this most recent act of terrorism I can't help but wonder, are we the American public becoming anesthetized to these assaults on our way of life? I hope not. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Bolshevism, dangerous times and an exquisite Orkney

Well we survived another week of Bolshevik Obama's antics. I'm celebrating with a thirty year old Highland Park from the Orkneys. An earthy peat and smoke filled whisky with a toffee fudge chocolaty surprisingly sweet finish most likely due to the sherry cask. For anyone who doesn't think we are in dangerous times I recommend that they read the epic historical work of Alan Bullock entitled Hitler and Stalin, Parallel Lives. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy, memories, writing, and whisky.

Hi Dave, I just poured three fingers of 3.148, sat down by a fire (it's 10 degrees here) and thoroughly enjoyed the Greece travelogue. Thanks so much for taking the time to put pen to paper and creating a lasting story of our wonderful trip. I really enjoyed reliving our experience. It is quite remarkable what we have done over the last decade. The 3.148 whisky, an Islay, had a nose of damp ashes. The taste was tarry with hints of ammonia and the scent of granny's armpit. I really appreciate what you are doing and plan on binding the finished product for my home tasting room table. Do you find like me that some of your best writing occurs while sipping whisky? Thanks again. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman

Tommy goes west to the Tetons to taste whisky in a rarefied atmosphere.

Dave, I will be tasting numerous expressions of single malt whisky in Jackson Hole, Wyoming beginning January 16-23, 2010 at the Moose Trail Lodge. I have plenty of room and you and any other of the Californians are more that welcome to join me. The Lodge sleeps 18 and so far I am the only one going. I realize it's early for planning. Slainte, Tommy Maaltman